Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Closing in on February

It's the 24th. Four more days after today and I'm done with the challenge. This is the second time I've taken on the Nablopomo challenge and I think I'm going to make my post-a-day-for-28-days.  It has not been without it's own issues, though.  My personal life is in shambles, not because of anything that anyone has done, but because of situations outside of anyone's control.  My doctors are finally - at least for yesterday - listening to me; or at least one of them is and wants to hospitalize me, but I absolutely cannot go until after next Tuesday.

I had a huge argument about the situation with my Therapist today.  He feels very strongly that I am allowing myself to be used, that I am being taken advantage of, I'm a fool and that I should check in immediately.  He may or may not be right, but my own code of ethics will not allow me to desert the situation.  It will be resolved partially on Monday, in full on Tuesday.  I will check in any time after that, at my doctor's convenience.  I will check in gladly.  Part of the reason I have not been more regular about posting before February is because I just haven't felt up to it.  I've become weaker and weaker, and so terribly fatigued that even  Adderall cannot be depended on to keep me going through a day, but I suspect it's what's disrupting my sleep at night.  

I desperately want to feel good again and although that is probably not possible, I'd at least  like to be feeling better and functioning as well as I was 2 years ago.  There's been a steady decline since the beginning of of 2008, an improvement at the beginning of 2009, but a decline again shortly thereafter.  I realized today that my recently-developed terrible food habits are probably a result of ongoing fatigue...  when I used to eat healthy, those days I strayed from program were almost universally preceded by a bad night's sleep and accompanied by fatigue.    Hello?!  Hello me?  That is my life these days.  I run on sheer nerve and drugs and as of late, on adreneline to get through the problems.  I wish I had thought of this sooner.  It rings true,even as it also sounds like excuse making.  I suspect it may be an excuse, but it's also very true.

As for the discussion at the Therapist today, we'll continue it... maybe next week depending on if I am in the hospital or not, or the following.  I have a feeling that the issue he opened up today may end up being really ugly.  At the least, we've never both ever raised our voices at the same time towards each other before, especially not him, but it certainly happened during today's session.  Both of us lost our cool, not just me.  That's a bad sign.

28 posts in 28 days.  Today is day 24.

1 comment:

Pickyknitter said...

little danger? that is not reassuring


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