Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Practicing Patience

I'm scared. Although I have not deserted all of the techniques I used to lose all of my weight, I am not doing well. Exercise is not as good as it used to be... I keep having issues of body during the sessions (as well as outside of them) and don't move at the intensity that I used to.

The Ambien Related sleep eating is over, but with it's abatement, I am noticing an increased eating pattern during the day.

A few days ago, I decided to keep food journals again. They used to be a very significant tool in managing my weight. I kept them for only a couple of days, then dropped them on Memorial Day. Not coincidentally, I ate way outside of the box on Memorial Day. I didn't keep my journals yesterday either, although instead I made a food plan. I kept mostly to the plan for most of the day. Then I-don't-know-what took over late into the evening and I binged.

I know what used to work. Food plans, food journals, and consistent record keeping. My life situation has changed... in some respects improving in ways that I couldn't even fathom a couple of years ago, but in other ways deteriorating rapidly. That's the problem with lifestyle-change type weight programs. Just when you think you've successfully changed your lifestyle, life itself throws you a curve ball and you have to adjust your choices again.

A few years ago, Richard had me appear in a production that ultimately became the DVD "Love Yourself and Win." My testimonial was about practicing patience on the road to success. Although I did not feel particularly patient at the time, I know that I, in fact, was. I worked a weight loss program while dealing with incredible levels of disease. If you look at my appearance in that video, you know instantly how ill I was even during the taping.

Now I need to apply my own advice to my life as it exists today. I need to practice patience. I need to not condemn myself as I struggle to find the balance that I once had in making my food choices appropriate with my physical activity and my emotional growth. I've only been out of the Ambien Cycle for a couple of weeks; to expect myself to transform myself instantly into a picture-perfect machine of healthy choices is unrealistic, and if I continue to knock my head against that wall, I'm just going to knock myself out of the game.

Instead, I need to focus on what I am doing right, and build on that. And what am I doing right?

1.) I keep attending exercise class, even as it is becoming more and more frightening to do so for anticipation of health events occuring.

2.) I keep getting on the scale on a daily basis even as the rising numbers are distressing me terribly. Denying that the numbers are changing do not mean the numbers are not changing, and only through dealing with the truth am I going to be able to adjust.

3.) I've recognized that I am not going to get anywhere without keeping food journals. I've tried to keep them; failed after a couple of days, but intend to pick them up again today.

4.) I've started preparing my vegetables and fruits directly upon getting them home from the market again. That strategy made me successfully cook healthy foods in the past because it was quick. It has helped me do so again in the past week.

5.) I've started pre-cooking chicken and fish and steamed vegetables again and keeping them in my refrigerator prepared for quick use in a meal or insertion into a salad.

6.) I've acknowledged my struggle publicly. Denying it doesn't change the fact that it is a struggle.

7.) I've contacted several of my doctors to deal with other health issues that are impacting my efforts to lose weight. My failing eyesight (may be related to the Cimzia Treatments) makes it difficult to function, my neuroma is troubling me again, making it difficult at times to put any weight on that foot. My sleeping issues continue, exacerbated by the lack of Ambien. All of these doctors have been contacted and I will be seeing them to discuss their varioius roles in the next week.

8.) I've become more activly involved in my "hobbies' as a distraction from eating.

What do I need to work on?

1.) I need to go out to dinner less, and focus on eating healthy meals at home.

2.) I need to reduce the stress in my life as much as possible. That may mean temporarily restricting family members from access to me. That may mean increasing the number of Cosmos's IV's to reduce other issues associated with a lesser infusion schedule. That may mean taking up medatitive activities to help relax. That may mean asserting myself in areas that I am not going to discuss here before discussing them with my Therapist.

3.) I need to resume food journals again. And every time I fail to keep them, resolve to pick them up again quickly until they become a regular habit. Again.

4.) I need to resume planning food again. That doesn't mean menus down to the nth degree as I know that in my lifestlye, that's not realistic. But it does mean that I need to plan my trips to the market, and that unhealthy choices cannot even be subject to consideration. It also means that I need to prepare foods in advance of needing them.

5.) I need to keep interacting with friends, but trust that they understand that food is a hot issue for me right now, and that we will need to meet outside of the food spectrum of activities. I know that they will understand.

6.) I need to practice patience. I need to remember that when I picked this program up in the first place, I only made small changes at a time, but the cumulative effect of tiny adjustments in my lifestyle was huge.


Anonymous said...

Keep the positive UP! If you fall a bit short in one area reaffirm an area you did better. I know that when I get serious about diet and those pounds don't instantly melt away because I didn't eat that cookie....doesn't my body KNOW that sacrafices I'm making??? It's sapping spiritually to know that you're sacraficing (or just not giving into the easy/yummy) and the reward/result comes slowly.

Anonymous said...

trust in your process and patience, as I know that you can. and if there is a dull moment or a lull moment in your day that you just need a pick me up..Call me..I'm here and as much as I have been tempted to call you these last few days know your schedule is busy and you have a few irons in the fire. Hugs and much love

Claudia said...

Don't ever forget that you are not alone on this journey. I am with you every step of the way. I'm feeling all of your struggles and am struggling myself. Being patient is a great place to start. I'll start there too. I love you.

jo said...

I wish you all the best.


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