Changing Plans

I thought, yesterday, that I would push myself this morning and go to exercise class. When I got home from visiting with Angie, I even did a single load of laundry - exercise clothes - so that I would not have any excuse when I woke up. But when I woke up, I did not need an excuse not to go. I felt absolutely horrible; like I had been run over by a steamroller. I did too much in the last two days. I was not physically ready to take that much on. Instead of going to class, I stayed in bed.

I thought this morning that I would be going to Christan and Hung's wedding reception with Eric. I was a little stressed about what I would wear because most of my clothing is tight and it was going to be a dressy affair. But I figured that my brown dress pants with my olive suede jacket would fit, and that I certainly had a tee and a fancy necklace to go with it. But Eric called, stressed out and coming down with a bug, and decided that he (we) were not going. My reaction is mixed. I'm tired and the event would be a stresser since I barely know anyone, so in that sense it will be easier not to attend. But this is a repeated pattern with Eric & I. We never make plans. We never go anywhere. We never do anything. Even when we (I) make suggestions, there is always a reason to end up not doing it, or anything. This pattern is old and established and I am a little tired of it.

I was fairly certain this morning that I would not attend the dance party at Slimmons tonight. That Eric's event was more important to attend, that it would be nice to do something with him, and that I would be drained of energy before the dance began. I was uncommitted to showing up, but still flexible and hopeful that we might stop by for a short time to say hello to the people that I know. But now that everything else in my day is off, I am going. On my own. For how long, I don't know as I am not in great shape, but I will definitely show. I will turn off my cell phone and not take calls. I will not decide in advance what time I will be showing up, or how late I will stay. I won't even determine whether or not I will go to any of the after-parties. I need to be amongst people, people who want to have a good time, and in the world.

What will happen tomorrow in terms of recuperation will be what it is. It's likely that I will pay the price for this evening's activity. But it's not like I have any other plans that I can depend on anyway.