Last week, with the pronouncement of Brucitis of the hip as my newest diagnosis - an extremely painful condition, and I mean EXTREMELY in the most definite of terms and in a very inconvenient place in that it hurts whether I walk, sit, or lay down (especially on my right side) and it especially hurts when I try to exercise - I declared myself done. Done with exercise. Done with Slimmons. Done with trying to control my diet. Just done.
Eric didn't believe me and I think he still doesn't. But still, I feel done. There's more to it than that in that I had been advised for the previous two Saturdays to stop using my health as an excuse and get to work. I didn't argue because the forum seemed inappropriate and also I was already doing the best I could. But in having the level of pain that I'm experiencing when doing leg lifts or bending my knees or even just walking, all the while hiding it as well as I could and forcing a smile on my face justified by medical expert and clearly diagnosed through an ultrasound, something in me just snapped. I had had it. I HAVE had it. I don't want to even try anymore.
I get infusions of poison in my veins ever four weeks in an attempt to control my IBD. It's not working so well, but things aren't bad enough to declare it "not working" and also, there isn't anything else short of surgery available to help me right now. These infusions are devastating, even as I fight the side effects. Massive headache. Incredible fatigue. Nausea. My eyesight is affected. And I could go on but the symptoms after these seem trivial in comparison. And to go along with these infusions are very invasive testing on a regular basis, and when the tests aren't invasive, they're humiliating, and when they aren't humiliating, they still take time from my day when I don't have any time to spare. Also, this experimental program requires a phone-in journal to be kept daily - I refer to it as my "Poop Call" - and the system is unreliable at best and I get judged harshly if the call doesn't get through on any given day.
I'm not allowed to take any over-the-counter medication without prior approval. The "Advil Incident" as I refer to it now, ironically taken because of the Bursitis although I thought at the time it was Fibro and was surprised that Advil seemed to help it - confirms that my body since I started the infusions has changed, and I really do need to stick by the guidelines that my Research Team has set down for me. That, even as I am inclined to apply for a Medical Marijuana card and imbibe although I am not and have never been a pot user. But I asked my team if it would be ok for pain and nausea management, and the answer was a resounding "NO!" Apparently not only do they not want it muddying up their results, but the quality and strength of even medical Mary-Jane is so unreliable that it's just not a good idea.
Which brings me back to the Bursitis. The first two responses are to rest it (my situation has gone way past the point where rest will do it any good) and to take an anti-inflammatory like Ibuprofen (which as we know from the 'Advil Incident' is not advisable.) The next level treatment is Cortisone Injections into the joint. That's what I think I have in store for me next Monday and given my sensitivity to drugs, my Fibro, and my history with Cortisone, I expect that I will have a very rough few days. Why, oh why did I give those crutches away?
I'm not kidding. The pain that I have been bearing without much complaint has been really extreme. The only one who has known how bad it has been getting is Eric, and that's only because we sleep together and he sees what happens at night when I get up multiple times to take Tylenol and then can't even lay back down because of the pain, or in the morning when I am so incapacitated by pain that I can't get out of bed. And then to be advised that I shouldn't use health as an excuse to exercise and lose my weight again? Like I said, a couple of days after, I snapped.
The issue is that I don't really want to gain weight. I want to lose it again and be the person, physically, that I was. That I looked like. But I'm angry, so very angry, and unlike many people who stuff their anger down by eating mindlessly, I am doing a different type of dance. I am eating because I am so angry at myself, so angry at those who doubt my sincerity of the health issues, so angry at my body that just continues to fail me, and I want to hurt myself. Hurt myself badly. And gaining weight and going back to my former self is a way of doing it. I am doing it in a fully conscious form, not really trying to hide much of what I am consuming, and leaving evidence of it everywhere when I'm doing it when nobody is around.
The question is what now? I'm done. I'm sure of it. At the same time, I'm not sure. If anyone tells me to keep trying and to "hang in there," I think I'm going to have to kill them, or at least disown them. I've heard "Hang In There" so many times with all my physical issues that I can scream. I want to hear those words about as much as I want to see Paramedics again, and everybody knows just how much I hate those bastards.
So now what? Dr. Bluestone did not tell me not to exercise. I looked my newest ailment up on the internet and it says that I shouldn't. Dr. Bluestone is probably torn about it. Exercise will hurt my Brucitis badly, but will help with my arthritis and Fibro. I have the elliptical here; I have not been on it since declaring myself done. Do I get back on, or do I wait?
Do I use my anger to hurt myself by eating, or do I use it to hurt myself via the Elliptical?
I just don't know. All I know is that I am hurting, I feel isolated, and I am confused. I'm just so grateful that Eric isn't going to desert me over this path that I am walking. In fact, he thinks I'm going to get it together again, feel better, and lose all the weight too. I don't know.
I just don't know.