Sunday, February 22, 2009

Do the Zoo

WARNING: In the springtime, a young man's fancy turns to love. But if the man is young enough, he is not aware of love, but only of his private parts. If direct quotes from boys ages 7 and 9 about this matter offends you, I'd suggest you stop reading now and come back another day. Now that I've ensured that each and every one of you is going to read this blog post to the very end, welcome to my Saturday.

As if there weren't enough animals in my home life, Adele & I decided to take Ian and Miles to the Los Angeles Zoo . Miles, by his own admission, had never been there. Ian was incredulous, asking Miles (aka Kilometers per Adele) if it was really true? Was Miles only aware of Zoos through books and school. Miles assured him that it was true.

I picked Miles up from Eric at about 7:30 in the morning. He and his older boys were scheduled to attend a family seminar of some sort in the Santa Monica Mountains; Gabby was away at a Girl Scout weekend. That just left the seven-year-old, and I was happy to agree to watch him rather than have Christina babysit him. I conferred with Adele who seemed pleased at the idea of this play date for Ian, and we ultimately decided on the zoo as our destination. But driving from Eric's home to mine, Miles only had one thing on his mind.

"There will be two penises on this trip today. There will also be two vagina's." he declared. I assured him that he was absolutely correct. (No false sensitivities on my part; I don't believe in hiding facts.) Miles went on, "A penis is a power tool. The men will be in charge. Men are always in charge."

"Oh yeah?" I challenged him. "Who has the money on this trip? Who do you think is in charge? The one with the money, of course." When I told Adele about this conversation later on, she told me that she had had the same conversation with Ian at some previous time. She, of course, had explained the money aspect to Ian. But she had also pointed out to him that women were in charge everywhere. His teacher was a woman. His Principal is a woman. His doctor is a woman. Mommy is in charge of him and is a woman. I wish I had thought of this angle for Miles, but then again, I don't have the "Mommy" classification, so I guess I did just fine.

Anyway, we arrived at the Zoo, and our first stop (other than Miles pointing out that the Flamingos - which he thought were peacocks - were really stinky) was the system of caves that they have set up near the petting area. Adele was quick to point out to both boys (who had had an extended conversation on the way down about their penises) that the mortar and pestle at the very first diorama looked like a penis. The boys were pleased.

This is not a camera trick. The lighting in the cave at one point was blue. But it was safe to say that only the coloring was blue, and not their moods.


Behind the waterfall.

Playing on the garden sculpture.

Participating in the Prairie Dog exhibition. You can easily tell that Ian is a couple of years older than Miles, who was barely tall enough to peek out of the farthest hole.

But fortunately, the zoo had prairie dog holes for kids of all heights.

The boys were very pleased that, at the bird show, Adele & I let them go to the top of the bleachers to watch. In this picture, it is not what it looks like. They are just checking out how high they are.

Enjoying the show!

After the show, lunch, and a trip to the playground, we headed over to the Primate exhibits. "Do you know what a Primate is?" I asked the boys. We had a rather detailed discussion about monkeys and apes both being primates (as well as humans), and the difference between monkeys and apes is that monkeys have tails and apes do not. They were fascinated.

But not as fascinated as when we hit the first monkey house. There, the monkeys were swinging across the top of the cage, hanging by their hands from the chain-link ceiling. One of them stopped, just hanging there suspended and exposed, and surveyed us. But Miles was absolutely fascinated by the sight, more mesmerized than the primate. "Whoa!" he said. "That monkey has a penis! And it's black!!!!!"

Adele & I giggled quietly between ourselves and assured both boys that it was true. Some monkeys had penises, some had vagina's. Just like people.

"But," Adele quietly told me, "not as impressive as the ones owned by Giraffes." We did not have an opportunity on this trip to test her truthfulness.

After the Giraffes, it was time for French Fries or Ice Cream. There was a moderate line, but the boys were undaunted. They entertained themselves by first Ian picking up Miles, then Miles picking up Ian off of the ground. They compared weights (Miles had weighed in at 65 pounds that morning, Ian at 80), then decided that it would be fun if they lifted each other off the ground at the same time.

Adele and I quietly looked at each other. Then we told them to keep trying; that if they were successful, it was a feat known as levitation.

Eventually they realized that it wasn't going to happen on this trip, but agreed to keep practicing, and that with practice, they would get it right. They even shook on it.

Miles was quite happy with his choice of an Ice Cream cone. Ian - who's picture did not come out - was much neater with his fries and catsup.

And here is the only "animal" picture of the day. Ah, mother love!
It was clearly a successful day. After Adele & Ian went home, Mile & I made and ate dinner, put a movie in, and just like men in every walk of life and in any position, Miles quickly fell asleep.

I went about my business quietly until Eric came to pick Miles up. And thought to myself:

"...and men think they're in charge?" :D


hot tamale said...

Brava!! clapping as I give a standing ovation. I loved your me and my vagina are headed to bed ;)

Adele said...

Hilarious! You can never depend on those penises. They're up, they're down, they're up, they're down. You'd think they were suffering from a case of womenopause! Anyway, Ian had a great time, and is looking forward to our next adventure. Given their fixation, perhaps a trip to the art museum?


Joe Ganci said...

Sometimes I too like to hang upside down from a branch exposing myself to the world.

Thanks for the great story and pics!


Related Posts with Thumbnails