Another Day, Another Dollar

Another day has gone by, and one more infusion done on Cosmos. He cries, but this morning was a little easier than the previous two to administer. I think Becky was right... as time goes on, both Cosmos and I will get better at it. It's like getting (or giving) immunizations to a child. It breaks your heart to cause them pain, but on the other hand, it's saving their life. There's a trade-off that can't be ignored.

On another front, in the past several days, I've received two SSI checks from the Government. It's official. I am now living a subsidized life.

I have mixed feelings about this, and expressed them today during therapy. This is not the way things were supposed to be. Had my body not failed me, I'd be working and be productive and certainly have more working capitol with which to live. I have a sense, even now with the economy being horrible, that if I were able to go back into the workforce, I wouldn't have much of an issue finding or keeping a job. In fact, I am very impatient with myself and updated my resume earlier today. But I have to remind myself that I've only been feeling better for six weeks, and to resume a career only to repeat my track record of not lasting more than a few months before physically failing would be the end of any future working possibility. I just know that to be true. So I need to sit tight until I know how I really am.

On the flip side, this is not just the classic Welfare hand-out. I am receiving these payments as part of the terms of maintaining my disability insurance; something that I signed up for and paid out-of-pocket for many years before coming into the state I am now. I shouldn't feel guilty. But I have to tell you, every time I see that Aaflac commercial with the guy laying on the hammock next to the duck, happily boasting about how his life hasn't changed since going out on disability? It makes me cringe. That's not what Disability Insurance is supposed to be about either. Or is it? It certainly isn't working that way in my life.

I now have two items listed in my Etsy shop and there's a link on the sidebar of this blog. I put up a banner there too! Over the course of the next few days, I'll take (better) pictures of the work that I already have on hand at home, and get it all posted.

I'm going to start on a commission piece of jewelry tonight, so I'm pleased at how things are currently working out. But that pleasure is intellectual in nature. As always, I don't feel like I'm doing things fast enough or well enough.