Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Starting Over

Well, Christmas is past and it's time to assess the weight damage. At the beginning of last week, the scale read 151 and I was OK with it. Not the 148 that I like to be at, but a respectable number. But in the past few days, it's zoomed up quite a bit. I know that there are some body-function issues going on here that are influencing the number, but that some of the increase is well deserved. Those french fries at the bowling alley... the truffles and chocolate covered sunflower seeds. The Chicken Pot Pie that I made for Eric's family for Christmas yesterday.

I'd still guess that most of the weight is undeserved and will pass in a few days (I can feel the symptoms of a major obstruction going on inside) but if I am to be honest with myself - and I mostly am, I don't really know that to be the case. You see, for the first time in years, I did not keep food sheets. For three whole weeks! I'm not sure exactly what I've consumed in that time frame and those little boogers really do make a difference to me, keeping me aware of my habits and behaviors. I don't know if I was lazy or if not keeping them was avoidance behavior, but I started them up again two days ago and am not happy about what I am recording.

Don't get me wrong. If I assess this holiday season, I actually did do a lot of things right.

1. I exercised. Not the 2000 calories-per-week that HMR recommends. Not every day as Richard recommends. But I rarely get all that in, even when I am doing well with the program. Health issues make me afraid. But I was out there doing things and it counts.

2. I got on the scale each and every day. Never was there even a question of not climbing on. No, I did not and do not like the results, but I am not going into total avoidance. I know what the numbers are doing and knowledge is power.

3. I made a point of having at least one healthy meal each and every day.

4. I attended all of my weight maintenance classes at HMR. And was perfectly honest with Lucy about my food sheet issues. And my weight crisis.

5. I kept going to therapy appointments, even though I did not want to deal with the issues that are currently coming up.

6. I dealt with some emotional and social issues that were devastating rather than stuffing them inside and eating over them.

All of this is a very big deal. Most people don't want to deal with issues of weight at all during this time of the year, and I kept up some significant behavior patterns that will help me get back on track.

But I also have to look at some of the behaviors that I did not maintain and now need to get back into place.

1. I need to get a minimum of 5 vegetables and fruits per day into my diet.

2. I need to prepare my vegetables in advance so that I don't have to start with the chopping process when I am hungry. When I am hungry enough, I will grab anything (like a loaf of bread) rather than take the time to cook if it's not ready to go.

3. I need to keep steamed vegetables and prepared rice-cous cous in my home for fast eating options.

4. I need to keep junk food out of my home.

5. I need to re-stock my sauces and marinades.

6. I need to make a point of grabbing pieces of fruit at pre-determined times of day so that my hunger is always manageable.

7. I need to do some kind of exercise 7 times per week. Exercise class 3 times. Walk the dogs a minimum of 3 times. Stepper routine a minimum of 3 times.

8. My artisan pursuits have become very sedentary with the advent of beading. I need to get something onto my loom to work on in the evenings. That is a very physical activity.

9. I need to keep salad pre-made in my refrigerator.

10. I need to keep my refrigerator and pantry fully stocked with healthy foods.

Early this morning, I got up and got on the scale. Oy. I knew that I needed to do it anyway, but as a result of the number, instead of going back to bed, I immediately went to the kitchen and started going through my pantry and refrigerator and freezer, looking for problem foods. I pulled out two grocery bags full of stuff that needed to go into the garbage. Today. Immediately.

The ironic thing is that getting rid of most of it was not a problem. The only thing that presented an issue was the Chocolate covered Sunflower Seeds (Jack Scat) that were in my freezer. I thought, as I pulled them out, that I would put them into the place in my pantry that I keep foods (like sugar & nuts) that I want around but don't want to eat all the time. For some reason, that one location (right hand corner at knee level) seems to be a place that I won't binge out of. But as I pulled the seeds out, I immediately started shoveling them into my mouth. I quickly realized that there was no way that I was going to keep them in my home and not go through them quickly. I put them into the garbage and buried them.

Then, even though I had just consumed I-don't-know-how-many calories worth of junk, I realized that if I let that one behavior dictate my food choices for the day, I would end up having one more day of junk-food reactionary eating. So I decided right there and then that I would eat a somewhat healthy and light breakfast and eat the rest of the day like the event never happened. So I chopped up an apple and threw it over a bowl of Special K. And feel like I've started over.

I know that the next weeks are going to be rough. I've maintained my weight within reason now for almost two years. That's about the time frame in my 20s that I kept it down before things started going awry. But I am a different person than I was then. I am way more willing to deal with the issues that are bothering me and address my personality deficits. And I pledge to myself that I will deal with this too.

I am not going back from where I came

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