I'd still guess that most of the weight is undeserved and will pass in a few days (I can feel the symptoms of a major obstruction going on inside) but if I am to be honest with myself - and I mostly am, I don't really know that to be the case. You see, for the first time in years, I did not keep food sheets. For three whole weeks! I'm not sure exactly what I've consumed in that time frame and those little boogers really do make a difference to me, keeping me aware of my habits and behaviors. I don't know if I was lazy or if not keeping them was avoidance behavior, but I started them up again two days ago and am not happy about what I am recording.
Don't get me wrong. If I assess this holiday season, I actually did do a lot of things right.
1. I exercised. Not the 2000 calories-per-week that HMR recommends. Not every day as Richard recommends. But I rarely get all that in, even when I am doing well with the program. Health issues make me afraid. But I was out there doing things and it counts.
2. I got on the scale each and every day. Never was there even a question of not climbing on. No, I did not and do not like the results, but I am not going into total avoidance. I know what the numbers are doing and knowledge is power.
3. I made a point of having at least one healthy meal each and every day.
4. I attended all of my weight maintenance classes at HMR. And was perfectly honest with Lucy about my food sheet issues. And my weight crisis.
5. I kept going to therapy appointments, even though I did not want to deal with the issues that are currently coming up.
6. I dealt with some emotional and social issues that were devastating rather than stuffing them inside and eating over them.
All of this is a very big deal. Most people don't want to deal with issues of weight at all during this time of the year, and I kept up some significant behavior patterns that will help me get back on track.
But I also have to look at some of the behaviors that I did not maintain and now need to get back into place.
1. I need to get a minimum of 5 vegetables and fruits per day into my diet.
2. I need to prepare my vegetables in advance so that I don't have to start with the chopping process when I am hungry. When I am hungry enough, I will grab anything (like a loaf of bread) rather than take the time to cook if it's not ready to go.
3. I need to keep steamed vegetables and prepared rice-cous cous in my home for fast eating options.
4. I need to keep junk food out of my home.
5. I need to re-stock my sauces and marinades.
6. I need to make a point of grabbing pieces of fruit at pre-determined times of day so that my hunger is always manageable.
7. I need to do some kind of exercise 7 times per week. Exercise class 3 times. Walk the dogs a minimum of 3 times. Stepper routine a minimum of 3 times.
8. My artisan pursuits have become very sedentary with the advent of beading. I need to get something onto my loom to work on in the evenings. That is a very physical activity.
9. I need to keep salad pre-made in my refrigerator.
10. I need to keep my refrigerator and pantry fully stocked with healthy foods.
Early this morning, I got up and got on the scale. Oy. I knew that I needed to do it anyway, but as a result of the number, instead of going back to bed, I immediately went to the kitchen and started going through my pantry and refrigerator and freezer, looking for problem foods. I pulled out two grocery bags full of stuff that needed to go into the garbage. Today. Immediately.
The ironic thing is that getting rid of most of it was not a problem. The only thing that presented an issue was the Chocolate covered Sunflower Seeds (Jack Scat) that were in my freezer. I thought, as I pulled them out, that I would put them into the place in my pantry that I keep foods (like sugar & nuts) that I want around but don't want to eat all the time. For some reason, that one location (right hand corner at knee level) seems to be a place that I won't binge out of. But as I pulled the seeds out, I immediately started shoveling them into my mouth. I quickly realized that there was no way that I was going to keep them in my home and not go through them quickly. I put them into the garbage and buried them.
Then, even though I had just consumed I-don't-know-how-many calories worth of junk, I realized that if I let that one behavior dictate my food choices for the day, I would end up having one more day of junk-food reactionary eating. So I decided right there and then that I would eat a somewhat healthy and light breakfast and eat the rest of the day like the event never happened. So I chopped up an apple and threw it over a bowl of Special K. And feel like I've started over.
I know that the next weeks are going to be rough. I've maintained my weight within reason now for almost two years. That's about the time frame in my 20s that I kept it down before things started going awry. But I am a different person than I was then. I am way more willing to deal with the issues that are bothering me and address my personality deficits. And I pledge to myself that I will deal with this too.
I am not going back from where I came
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