Thursday, February 7, 2008

Knowing Something

My life has been very disrupted for several months now. It's evident in my stress level; it's evident in my less-than-successful struggle to get back to my optimum weight.

The old me would have gotten very angry. Would have come out swinging, the goal being to hurt everyone around me as much as I hurt inside. And then I would have withdrawn into my personal cave and not interacted with anyone at all. Very few would even notice that I was withdrawn because I was not an outgoing person under the best of circumstances.

The new me goes directly to hurt. I still have terrible trouble expressing myself and resolving intepersonal issues, but will discuss them rationally with third parties (Eric, my Therapist...) who then encourage me to reach out and try to fix whatever's going wrong. It's very hard for me to do it, but I have been trying.

I have had a few difficult interactions recently with somebody who means the absolute world to me. Somebody who has been involved in my life change, helping and guiding and being a wonderful friend. I've tried to do pretty-much everything he asks too. Sometimes not quite in the time frame that he would like, but it usually gets done.

So as a result of the issues, I sent off e-mails and got two responses from him... both of which confuse me.

"I love you and always will. You know that."
"All I want for you is to be happy and healthy and I think you know that."

Do I "know" that? I really don't think so.

It's not a matter of this person's intentions. I think that he really means it, at least I think so on an intellectual and rational level. The problem is that I don't feel it. And I think I'm supposed to. But I don't.

It's a very difficult matter for me to accept caring and love. I've been the oddball for most of my life; thinking and operating on a different level than the norm. I have been teased, chastized, and hated for it. Even by my own family. I have a lifetime of not trusting anyone, knowing for a fact that if I did, I would be kicked until I fell. And now, after the biggest metamorphisis of my life, I'm expected to know things. And I don't.

Who cares? Who accepts and loves me for me? I don't necessarily know.

I believe that Eric really does love me. And I love him back. But it takes constant reinforcement from him to get me to trust enough to let the feelings show at all. It's hard for me to say the words because I still don't necessarily trust in the feeling even though I feel it deeply.

I believe that the Fab 4 loves me too. Gawd only knows that I don't know what I would do without them. Beth... Claudia... Vennie... They have traveled down the same weight loss road as me in the same time frame. We've laughed and cried and transformed together. I only wish they lived closer or I was more able to travel so I could be with them.

I believe that Adele and Ian love me. Adele & I share a common past that would either bind us together for life or shatter us so completely that we would never speak again. Fortunately for us, it's the former. And to Ian, I am "Aunt Laura." The one who teaches him the 'bad' tricks. Always up for a play date. Well, almost always anyway.

But the fact is that I still don't trust in anything. I definitely don't "know" what I think I am supposed to know on an intuitive level. And when the person who set this new wave of insecurity looked at me and smiled at me and went out of his way to make sure I was feeling welcome this evening, I wasn't sure about that either. When he went out of his way...

I have other friends who, these days, I am afraid to approach, to be with too. Social opportunities missed... artistic ventures left undone.... They've asked me where I've been, why I've not been coming around lately.

When do I start feeling secure enough in the new me to get out in the world and believe in myself? I clearly have a lot of work still left to do in front of me.


Claudia said...

My Wonderful Friend, Laura,

You are so right. I love and adore you. I will always be there for you. You are so important to me. You always know what to say to make me feel better. I hope I do the same for you. By the way, that person that says you should "know" that he loves you really does love you. You just have to let him as strange as he may be at times. LOL

Anonymous said...

You've been such a great friend to me. You've been to the point with me about my struggles, offered me different perspectives. you've never tried to take anything from me but let me be me. you've guided me with friendship and love in letting me wet my toes, tread water, and swim in this vast ocean of this journey. I cannot explain what feelings are there other than there is a light inside you that I am drawn to and love. I feel you understand me, at times empathize, validate my feelings, and keep pushing me to do better. You never ask anything of me that you wouldn't do yourself. You don't expect anything from me and you don't buy your friendship from me. that to me is "LOVE".
Hugs and Love to you..And I mean it..I do love you..

Doll Creelman-Migliaccio said...

Laura sweetie, I'm a new face and hopefully a new friend. Just know that prayers and positive thoughts are coming your way from far away. Big hugs with love, Doll

LI Laura said...

I understand how those e-mail responses can feel a little "rote," but the fact that our mutual friend went out of his way to make sure you were okay speaks more eloquently than typewritten words. It's hard sometimes to interpret how someone really feels in an e-mail, but how they act in person is an entirely different matter. I think we have all been confused by e-mails in the past, only to finally see the person in the flesh and really understand what they meant. Although we, unfortunately have never met (yet) in real life, you have always been supportive to me, and you will never know how much that means to me. I think you are a wonderful person and I pray that your life is less disrupted soon.


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