Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Does Cosmos Hurt? Score - 7: I don't think he's in pain much, although it has to hurt when he falls down so much.

Is Cosmos Eating Enough? Score - 2: He's barely eating. My grossly fat dog has turned into a walking skeleton.

Is Cosmos Hydrated? Score - 5: He's hydrated because of his daily IV schedule. I dread doing it, he dreads getting it. He's taken lately to shaking again during the process and periodically moaning.

How is Cosmos Hygiene? Score - 5: He's not horrible, but that's because I constantly am vigilant for urine and feces in his coat. He would be in horrible shape if I wasn't always washing him down.

Os Cosmos Happy? Score - 4: He is still very interested in what is going on around him; follows me around the house, wants to go for walks. But he doesn't smile any more at all. Not even during walks. He is still intensely interested in walking and picking up Pee-mail, but doesn't hold out very long. He still wants to be pet by strangers during walks, but loses interest quickly. He falls during walks now.

Is Cosmos Mobile? Score - 4: He can get up and walk around on his own. However it is difficult for him to get up, he frequently needs help on tile (or on the concrete), and when we get up in the morning,I need to start him off by squaring his hind legs underneath him.

Does Cosmos have more good days than bad? Score - 5: I'd say it's about 50/50 now.

Total: 32 points. Less than 35. According to the Ethical Euthenasia Chart, it's acceptable to let him go.

Cosmos is a little skeleton. Even his head is skeletal, with depressions above the temples. I don't know if I can get him to eat this morning or not. I don't know if getting him another eating injection will make a difference, and even if it gets him to eat, if it will just hold him at status quo or if it will help him gain weight. That is the key point. Can I get him to eat, and if yes, for how long and will it make a difference in other parts of his life? Is it possible, at this point, for him to gain any weight if we can stimulate his appetite? The appetite stimulant comes in pill form too. How long will it work if I go that route? Am I just buying him days of suffering, or weeks of life? This is the hinge-pin around which everything turns.

The problem is that while his life quality is very low at this point, he's still acutely aware of everything, still expresses love for me, and when I cry because I know what is coming very soon - as likely today as not, he comes to comfort me. I don't know if he's saying that he's ok and wants to stick around, or if he's wants to go. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!

As always, he is right next to me. He's curled up on the floor behind my chair as I am writing this. It's still early in the morning and I don't know if he will want to get back into the bed with me, or if I just finished up the last time that I will ever share his bed.

I can't deal. I just can't deal


Anonymous said...

I feel for you completely. The hardest thing I've ever done- relieving their suffering (which isn't just pain). I've made deals with god and the devil, wailed, cried like a baby til I couldn't see. But after that last trip in the car I knew they weren't suffering and what relief for them. It's a tough choice.

LI Laura said...

My heart hurts for you.


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