I'm up again in poundage. I know. It's not acceptable on so many levels.
It's not acceptable because what clothes still fit - sort of - are tight, and I cannot afford to buy new ones.
It's not acceptable because I don't feel as well at my new number.
It's not acceptable because I will be / am pressured by outside forces to keep my weight down as an "inspiration" or an "image."
It's not acceptable because I don't like myself so much at the newer size.
It's not acceptable because the statistics show that those of us who lose significant weight and put it back on are unlikely to lose it again.
It's not acceptable because my mental set at my former horrific size, was a horror and an abberation that I cannot live with again.
So what is the cause? What to do?
Well, the causes are multiple. A year of living sickly. Stress as Cosmos is slowly losing is battle for life, an Sunny is clearly approaching the final battle too. Stress eating in a wild way every time I"m forced to give Cosmos an IV, even though the last few have clearly gotten easier for the both of us.
And, as I was thinking yesterday and last night, I'm tired. I used to cook for myself. Incredible and healthy meals. Meals for which I became somewhat famous. But I've fallen out of the habit of cooking. Why?
Well, for one, I'm cooking my dog's meals now, and it's really hard work and they don't like what I'm making and it's damned depressing to see your sick dog getting thinner and thinner and to know that if you don't force what you're making down his throat, he will sicken much more quickly and die sooner. What I have to make for them is hard work. I"m tired after I'm done.
Another issue is having taken on so much more. I'm in exercise class six days a week now. While it's really helping me on one level - my muscle tone is definitely coming back - it's bad because by the time I get home from there, I'm exhausted (read I'm still really not well and it doesn't take that much to tire me out) and don't feel like starting in in the kitchen.
Yet another is my kitchen itself, which I will be taking a big step to resolve tonight. The appliances are mostly bad. The cabinets are falling apart; some of the drawers are broken as are the doors to the cupboards. The sink leaks. It's really not much fun to cook in there anymore. But I had a small windfall of money hit my door at the beginning of this week and will, tonight, be buying a new refrigerator and dishwasher, and then contracting with a handy man to fix most of the rest of what ails it shortly.
While I was sick, I was too sick to cook, and fell into the habit of eating processed foods. I have not shaken it yet.
And finally, food records / disappointment in myself and others. I gave up keeping food records quite a while ago, and I think that was the beginning of this downward spiral. I tried a couple of times to pick them back up; just didn't have the motivation to get them going without some sort of accountability. So I asked a 'friend' if I could start turning them in again; he all but refused the request immediately, and when I actually did one after I bullied him into agreeing to look at them, he threw it aside rather than reading it. That hurt me and I didn't do it again. Stupid me.
And then there is the eating out. I've had so many meals out of my home in the last month that my head spins when I think about it. I need to cut it out.
Finally, pretty-much everyone around me is struggling with their weights again too. It's hard not to be influenced by that; to know that if they're gaining, why am I struggling so hard to maintain?
All of these are reasons. Excuses too, but reasons for my present physique.
It's easy to feel really bad about where I'm going, and I do. I feel just awful! Not embarassed yet, although that's not going to be far behind if I keep this up, but terrible. Stupid. An idiot with an IQ of about 10.
I know what I need to do. I need to go to the store, buy all sorts of healthy foods, and pre-prepare them. Cut them up into containers so that when it is time to cook, they're ready. I need to make my own "processed foods," things like cous cous and vegetables, pre-made salads, etc., so that they're ready when it's time to cook. I need to focus on what I am eating and keep records, not to make myself guilty, but to know what I am doing and where to focus to make changes.
Am I strong enough to do this on my own? Because I am on my own where this is concerned. I have no role models; I have no encouragement. All I have is my own force-of-will to try to straighten this course out again.