Friday, December 26, 2008

Relief

I feel like I'm dying, body and soul.

Last week, I finally got a diagnosis, antibiotics, and hope. I also got a fully favorable decision on my Social Security Disability and Medicare.

But today, a full week after I started the antibiotic, I am desperately ill, with the fever to match. The medicine is not working yet, and the web says that only 50% recover from C Diff. My doctor - the Infectious Disease Guy - has not returned my call of this afternoon, at least so far.

I am hanging in suspense in the Cimzia Trial in that the new nursing agency assigned to me has not called, and the Cimplicity Program has not returned my call(s) about the lack-of-response from the agency either.

I don't know if it's just that everyone is out for the holiday, or it's me. My logical half says the former, but I'm just not sure...

My therapist, on Wednesday, said that I do not need to feel happy about the good things - the tangible things - that have resolved in the last week. That I am still too seriously ill to celebrate, and that my morose attitude is warranted. All that is reasonable to feel, right now, is relief. I guess in a sense I do, but in truth, it's hard to feel much of anything other than awful.

What I do feel is absolutely alone. My fever is out of control. My dogs went hungry for a good part of the day because I was too weak to get up and feed them. My brain has been on a slow short-circuit for the past couple of weeks, but it's now serious enough that I recognize it. I don't trust myself to reach out for help for fear of what I might say or do.

In fact, I am alone. I spent the whole day in bed and have not seen anybody.

I feel like I am dying, body and soul. When does the relief part happen?

7 comments:

Ang said...

Laura-
I'm so sorry you are experiencing these feelings. I'm so sorry that you are feeling worse physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I wish I could help physically in some way. I wish I could be there right now.
You're in my heart, thoughts, and prayers..Know that I do love you, and think of you daily.

Adele said...

I feel your pain, really. Ian managed to infect all of us. Steve saw his doctor on Friday, but my "jewish" doctor was off. I did get a call back and asked that he at least prescribe the same medication that Ian received, but I haven't slept all night because I am deaf in my right ear except for all the loud ringing, and my ear feels like it is going to explode. That said, I am only a phone call or email away, so don't feel so all alone. Take care of you and the pooches! 7 days of winter break now, and still no fun. *A*

Inkling said...

I'm a friend of Ang's, and know that you are one of her favorite heroes.

I have NO idea if this will be helpful at all, but wanted to share just in case. My mom had C-diff one Christmas about eight years ago. I remember lying face down on the floor behind my bed, crying and begging God to make her better. She was in the hospital and so sick that we couldn't even visit her. It was a scary time. But here's the kicker....her's was actually caused by too many antibiotics in her system plus some infection. What made her better was a copious amount of pro-biotics. She's out of town with my dad right now, but when she gets back, I plan on asking her what else made her better, since I know it had to be more than that, and I know how serious her case was.

I will be praying for you, if that's okay.

LI Laura said...

I doubt this will make you feel better, but my mom had hospital acquired C-dif. It took a while, but she did recover completely. Wish I could come and take care of your pooches for you.

Hope you feel better soon!

Claudia said...

OMG Laura. I haven't been online in a few days and had no idea this was going on. I am sending you my love and hope that you feel much better soon. Please let us know how things are progressing for you.

Hey kiddo, don't feel like you are alone. You are not. You always have me and the other Fabs.

Get well soon.

Claudia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Joe Ganci said...

Dearest Laura,

I'm so sorry that I have not followed your blog more closely the last few days and seen the awful state that you're experiencing. Is it OK to call you? I saw that you sent an email to some of us regarding your quote in the LA Times. Does that mean you're feeling somewhat better? I sure hope so. Let me know if I can call. I hate to call without your go-ahead because you might be asleep or otherwise indisposed.

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