Friday, January 1, 2010

New Years Resolutions, 2010

Last night,I had a short discussion with Eric about New Year's Resolutions. for those of you who don't know my history, I used to never keep them. Then, in 2007, Richard convinced me to try it. I made up a list of 13 very specific things that I wanted to accomplish, and amazingly, the list motivated me, I did all sorts of wonderful and fun things that I had wanted to do for many years, and my Resolutions were complete by September of that year!

It was a WONDERFUL experience, and one that I was happy to embark upon again in 2008.

Sadly, 2008 started off badly and got worse as the year went on. I had an undiagnosed medical condition that was at first not taken seriously, then when it finally was in November (that was the year I had Brucellosis... such a rare infectious disease that only 200 people are diagnosed a year with it, and they are always people who work with farm animals in an industrial setting), I was treated and felt better. But I had been so sick that I only got one resolution on the whole list done. I figured the year was a wash, and 2009 was a "do over." I carried all of my resolutions into 2009, and since I finally felt better, I knew it was going to be a productive and positive year.

2009 was not the year I anticipated. It started off with Cosmos receiving his death sentence, and me struggling against all odds to give him more life and a quality of life. The fight was horrifying, both of us hated it, and he succumbed in a very ugly way in September. At the same time, I again got very ill, and again, the doctors did not take it seriously. I started seeking help around June... they put me on Adderall and one of them announced that all I had was a good case of Depression. NOT. But I was so tired of trying to explain to them that something real was going on that I stopped trying.

Eric asked me to marry him, but instead of it being a joyus occasion, it was one full of more stress for me. His own marriage, despite all odds, still has not been severed after 5 years of active divorce proceedings, and I despair that it never will be. Richard has been awful about our relationhship... finally a couple of weeks ago, I could not take it any more and addressed it with him directly. When I started dating Eric, he understood that Richard was not negotiable. I asked Richard if he could not abide by the same rule? Of course Richard denied that there had been anything behind his comments, but I don't believe it. They hurt, they still hurt, a lot of them if you look on the superficial side, could be the truth, and they hurt my relationships with other people at Slimmons too. What must the people who don't know me and know only what Richard was "joking" about think of me? That I'm a horrible woman, that's what. And that I'm stupid and that I'm a slut, and that I have no moral or ethical grounds to stand upon. They would be right about the stupid part.

My illness progressed, and last week, my doctors finally acknowledged what I have been trying to tell them all year... that I was becoming desperately ill with something that they couldn't identify, and they wanted to hospitalize me. I would have liked to have gone along with it, but could not find an animal sitter to care for my dogs. So I have just scheduled out-patient procedures and will probably allow the confinement next week when the animal-care industry drops dead.

Additionally, some old and close friendships have been damaged, probably beyond repair. I attribute that directly to issues of weight, some mine (I've had a slow but steady progression of numbers through the year), but mostly theirs... they gained a lot of weight and if anyone doesn't admit that weight gain and loss changes you, you've got your head in the sand. We became less honest with each other, more defensive, more aggressive when we felt cornered.

Richard asked me to be in his infomercial; I agreed. I was close to my weight in my QVC pic at that point (had been working hard at it), and we agreed that the couple of pounds that were at odds did not show and were not an issue. Besides, I was on the right track and would have them off shortly. Well, that little white lie backfired; I am not free to discuss my challenges, have put on significant weight since that filming, and there's nobody to talk to about it or get help over it from. Nobody. I am alone. My relationship with my weight-loss friends have changed, my shrink thinks I'm being too hard on myself, Richard attacks me on the Eric front and won't address my weight with me at all, Eric insists that I will get it together and lose it again when I am so sick I can scarcely exercise, and I've turned into a stress eater galore and am buying and eating things that I can't even comprehend.

So now we're back to the resolutions. I kept about 1/2 of what I set out to do last year. I feel like an absolute failure. My resolutions are very definable and should have been easy to achieve, not nebulous "I will lose weight" or set-ups for failure like "I will exercise every day." But I didn't do them all. Yes, I know that the year was full of all sorts of set backs that kept me from accomplishing some of them, but others I should have achieved. I didn't.

I don't know what to do about this year. What do I do? Do I try the resolutions again, even though I feel like I'm not going to keep them from the very start? Last year I was still positive about them. The worst of it was over and they were do-able. This year, I feel like I could make a list, but with two years of major issues getting in the way, that I would just fail and that would be that. I mean, what do I put on the list?

Get married? Who knows if that will happen? I don't have any faith in Eric or the court system anymore to get that damned divorce done. The last issue - when HER attorney had a stroke in the parking lot right before trial, was admitted into UCLA in a coma, and has woken up a vegetable did it for me. It's a sign. The divorce is never going to be done.

Take classes? What classes? When? How about when my health gets in the way? Again.

Lose weight? I don't know if I am even capable of maintaining, let alone losing anymore. I don't know if I'm capable of exercising and at what level. And I'm sure-as-hell not comfortable about Slimmons after last week. What a joke I am! I can't even do a class at 1/2 speed. It's not safe there on a physical level, and with the way that my relationship with Eric has been portrayed week after week after week after week, it's not safe there on an emotional level either.

Go places? Do things? I can't depend on my health for anything anymore. Even when the Crohns Disease is quiet, I am so immune suppressed because of the drugs that I am taking that I feel awful all the time and I am liable to catch anything from anywhere, things that nobody would catch. I am just like an AIDS patient in that respect.

Have a positive attitude? I'm positive that my life has been utter crap for two years now and I'm starting 2010 off by being sick, going to the snow with kids when I should be in the hospital, going to court on Monday with Eric when I should be in the hospital and nothing is likely going to come of it anyway, and I just have this feeling that the doctors are not going to pinpoint what's wrong with me for months yet.

Love myself? I can't depend on myself. I am undependable at every level. I don't know when my body is going to fail me, I don't know when my mind is going to fail me (drugs and illness), I don't know when my friends are going to attack me or lie to me or ask me to participate in a deceptive situation, or whatever. How do I love somebody, myself, who is fundamentally undependable on any and every level?

Yet I feel like I should do resolutions and at the same time, I'm terrified of them, knowing that I am a failure and they're just a set-up to fail again.

So are any of you doing them? If so, what are you challenging yourself to do? Do you think you'll actually do them or is this just an exercise that you do at the beginning of the year and don't worry about it? And do you look at what you did and did not accomplish during the year and at the end? And if you don't finish up the list, do you, like me, feel like an utter failure?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Right now, in my mind, I'm giving you a hug.


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