White Lies

They are not supposed to hurt anyone, and in fact, are often considered a kindness.  They are meant to inspire,  to save someone hurt feelings, or to protect people and/or situations.  And I have participated in two over the past several months.

The problem is that there is more than one kind of White Lie.  There is the kind where somebody asks what you think of their painting, cookies, or whatever, and you say something kind.  I think that that's just fine...  it's small, encouraging, saves hurt feelings, and as long as you don't badmouth the person or work behind their backs, not a problem.

But then there is the kind of White Lie which is well intentioned but a misrepresentation of one's self.  That's the kind I have involved myself in, in two different situations.  In one, it can be argued that the greater good is served as my "lie" helps inspire many people.  It also helps someone who is near and dear to me.  In the other, it protects a situation, a legal matter, and a family.  Again, they are not hurt, but in fact will ultimately be helped.

The problem is that these two lies are not without a cost.  I am not able to fully express myself; ask for help and receive candid feedback, and live an honest life.  I have become what I used to be... a deceptive person, and the people who are involved in these with me are deceptive also.  It is in their best interests not to acknowledge the lie or what damages they are causing me now.

I don't blame either person I involved myself with in these matters; I signed on without reservation.  I am an adult and could have said "no," but I didn't.  I figured that time would take care of each issue.  But instead, both of these situations are choking me, and choking me to the point of strangling the life out of me.

I worked hard over the past six years to become a fully honest person.  One who told the truth mostly in a kind way, and who did not shirk from issues that needed to be addressed in my own life.

Now I am a liar, and I think the lies are going to kill me.  Or at least the person I was trying to be.