The Difference?

So what is the difference between this:

June, 2007

And this?

October, 2007

And this?

July, 2008 (Thank you, Iris Goldman)

Seven pounds by the scale. Very little as I see it, visually. At least in the pictures.

I can't see it when I look in the mirror, either. I do feel it in my clothes. But only a little. I'm still wearing the same size. I'm not even convinced that the difference in weight is truly a fat gain vs. bloat from the Crohns, or from my hormonal imbalance, or water from the meds that I am taking, or .....

So why do I think it's so important to get my eating more "under control" and lose those seven pounds again?

Dialin' it Down

Weight loss isn't easy. Weight maintance is worse. In fact, I think it may be considered excruciating. When you're losing weight, you have the changing numbers to give you momentary highs... at least when they're going in the right direction. You can do three things. Gain weight. Stay the same. Lose weight. But it's a lot of pressure.

Once you hit maintenance, it is a different kind of pressure. At best, you can maintain. At worst, you can gain weight and fail. I maintained for well over 18 months, then over the last holiday season, I let it go and I gained 9 pounds. I've been struggling with those nine since then.

One of the biggest indicators of permanent weight gain, from my view, is to stop looking at the issue. In my former life, the whole point was to hide from the numbers... I would not get on the scale when I gained. I would not buy clothes to fit my expanding body, and when I was forced to, I made it the larger numbers on the clothes the fault of the clothing manufacturers. Smaller cuts... shrinking fabric.

This time, I decided to handle the issue differently. It's been frustrating, maddening, painful. Despite the gain, I got on the scale each and every day. I wrote to Richard about the issue, letting him know early on that I had a serious problem. I discussed it with Lucy too. My friends knew about it, as did Eric. Family too. They were all very supportive of me in my struggles, but I never expected them to come up with an answer. The problem was mine to deal with.

I don't think that weight gain has as much to do with food as commonly believed. Rather, it has everything to do with changing lifestyles and inability to look at what continues to work and what behaviors are no longer productive in our lives. The obese tend to want to isolate themselves (we have reason... trust me on that), and live in a world of denial where if we don't acknowledge our failures. If they don't exist, we don't feel quite as badly about ourselves.

My lifestyle has changed radically over the last year. Eric came into it and with an intimate relationship, I've had to shift a lot of the things that I do. We're a "we" now, rather than a him and me. That's a wonderful thing and feeling; knowing that we will always have each other's backs. But there's the flip side. Social encounters often mean eating engagements. And trust me, I've eaten.

I never completely lost focus on what could be lost from my life if I let food get out of control, and truthfully, Eric has been more than accomodating in helping me. We tend to go to smaller restaurants, or those that can accomodate my need for lower calorie fare. But as Richard says, and Lucy too... going out for meals is a ticket to weight gain. In order to keep going, I needed to make adjustments in other areas.

The first and most obvious area I could change was my exercise. But that is not so easy. Matters of health keep popping up, forcing me back into either a chair or on a complete hiatus from movement. It was clear that I needed to change my eating habits. But that was a tough nut to crack. I had only been keeping sporadic food journals since last December... hmmmm - a one on one correlation to not wanting to deal with the issue.

Still, I never completely turned away from the issue. And it appears to finally be paying off in dividends. Several things have happened in the past few weeks that have made a significant change. I finally opened up enough to try the meal replacements at HMR. I only take in two a day; not as a substitution for meals but to use as snacks. Truthfully, my Crohns doctor is the one who finally forced this issue because I was not processing real food properly and I was going downhill. Fast. When I started taking them, I got a big surprise. The MRs are nutritionally balanced, and I suddenly was getting vitimans and nutrients that were not being absorbed from real food. I felt better and didn't feel the compulsion to eat so much. As the total calories in the MRs I take in combined are only 200, I know the loss is not because I've turned away from food. Trust me, I'm eating. But there's a physical component that has shifted.

They also had me double up on my daily vitiman. That helped too.

But then there was a very important turning point. Two weeks ago, Richard was holding another of his chats in his clubhouse. He talked about a student at Slimmons who had been struggling. (No, I honestly don't know who this student is.) They were parked next to each other one evening and after class, he saw what she had in the passenger compartment of her car. All sorts of junk food!

At that point, he stopped her and together, they made a written list of her top 10 trigger foods. He had her keep the list and told her to avoid buying anything on it. And she kept her promise and she lost weight.

So I thought about this story and decided that it was worth a try. I decided to list my trigger foods.

1.) Chili Encrusted Dried Mango
2.) Dried Cranberries
3.) Crackers
4.) Bread (if not kept in the freezer)
5.) Hard Candy (I had taken it up as a breath freshener since getting sick)
6.) Protein bars from HMR

I looked at the list. This was all I could come up with! And I realized that my eating habits had changed so fundamentally that I no longer crave cookies and candy and cakes and whatnot. No wonder that my gain had been so slow! What was on the list was just not such a big deal.

I decided to apply Richard's idea along with the other two components that I had added into my life. And remarkably, have lost 5 of the 9 pounds.

I know that this is not the end of the story. But it has been a lesson that is not lost on me. I know in my head and heart that the most important thing I can to to ensure my long-term success is always be willing to look at myself with a rational - not condeming - mind. To be willing to acknowledge not only my successes but my challenges too. (Not failures... just issues.) To be willing to change things up, to experiment, until something clicks into place that works.

My life circumstances are a constant evolution. I need to be sure that my mind evolves along with them.

Who am I becomming?

Tonight, Richard led a chat about Peace in honor of Martin Luther King. It was a rather profound subject for me, one of self revelation.

Of course, he turned the concept of MLK's peace around to a discussion of inner peace. "Are you at peace with yourself?" he asked. And my immediate response was "no." I have all sorts of issues in my life, some of which make me very upset.

He asked us to rate our level of peace on a scale of 1 to 10. I gave myself a 5. I was going to give myself a 2, then realized almost immediately that I wasn't being honest. I've been at "2," I'm not there now.

As the chat went on, I thought about what was upsetting me. Family. I can't really do anything about it, right? Not really. The people who I am unhappy with are struggling with their own demons. I have removed myself from the situation, at least for now. I have not removed them from my life, nor do I intend to. But like they taught us in "Junior Life Guards" at Camp Lakota way back when I was in my early teens, when you're dealing with a drowning person, the first thing is make sure they don't get a grip on you and drag you down with them. That's not going to happen. Not anymore.

Then, there is the other thing. Richard's "Sweating To the Oldies" DVDs came out at the beginning of the year. Pleased that my picture was picked up on the packaging, I was even happier that his "Love Yourself and Win" motivational program was a bonus disc inside. We filmed it in September of 2006; I was proud to be a participant.

The thing is, though, that I was horribly ill at the time of the taping. Only a month out of medical crisis stage, my participation was questionable right up to the very day. I must have driven them crazy with all of my special requests to make that appearance happen. I remember asking to have a later call time than the rest of the cast because of fatigue; permission granted. They allowed me to lay down on the sofa in the lobby when everyone else had to be in place in the studio, only requiring me join them at the times they were actually filming. And I was allowed free access to the facilities in deference to my medical situation, despite the fact that nobody else was allowed to leave except at specified breaks.

It was hard. In fact, looking back I have no idea how I got through it. I talked about "Practicing Patience," a subject with which I am intimately familiar, given my situation. I remember how weak I was... Richard had to help me up the stairs onto the stage, and then down again at the end. They told me, after my segment filmed, that I could go home, but I chose to stay. I was so weak that I was only able to sit up in my chair by leaning on the table next to me.

And after the filming was done, I went home, went to bed, and was too tired to come out of my condo again for a full week. No exageration.

My recollection, though, was that I had done pretty well in the interview. That I looked OK, even though Adele later told me that in my picture with Richard (taken right after we were finished), my body looked great but my face was awful. That it was clear how sick I was. I didn't think about it again after we were done with the conversation. Until this past weekend.

Well, the DVD came out, and I finally got a copy. I was about to put it in my player when Eric unexpectedly showed up, so we watched it together. Or should I say, he watched it. After the first 10 seconds, I couldn't look anymore.

Everything about that go-around of illness came flooding back to me. I looked absolutely awful, like death warmed over. Moon faced (from ultra-high levels of steroids), and almost incoherent. I turned my face into the pillow on the sofa and cried. Eric insisted that I didn't look so bad. "Just bloated and nervous." But he is looking through the eyes of love and also, this matter falls in the same category as "Does my butt look big?" so I wouldn't expect to get a bluntly honest answer.

Later that evening, I went over to my good friends, Sandy & Christiane's home and brought the DVD with me. We played it; they reacted with horror. "How could he have filmed you in that state?" was their question. "Why on earth did you do it?"

Well, Richard was pressed and I certainly wouldn't blame him. And I try to keep all commitments that I make, regardless of my personal situation. Poor Richard... the emphasis of this recording was about living well, feeling well, and looking great, and he had ME on there like a zombie from hell. I have been so upset about it.

I couldn't pinpoint exactly what I've been upset about. Certainly I'm not upset with anyone in particular. Nobody is to blame here. Not Richard, not me. But I've been bordering on a level of hysteria all the same. The person in that DVD was not me as I really am...



So fast forward back to tonight's chat. As Richard asked question after question. As I reflected on the answers, I realized that most of my responses belayed a level of security and lack of anxiety that I don't think I've ever felt before. And then it came to me as an epiphany.

I don't need to be upset about the DVD. It is what it is. Richard had the power to edit me out... to edit somebody else into that place I occupied had he wanted to. There were a number of people who participated that day that did not end up in the can at all. Any one of them could have been put in my place, their comments cut and paste to sound like they were answering my questions. So if there is damage done by the way I looked and sounded, it was by choice.

And even though I hate the idea that the 'monster' who appears on that DVD will probably haunt me for some time to come (people are ordering that set and watching it), I did nothing for which I can feel anything but pride. I have lost weight. I looked like what I was at the time. Somebody who had just survived yet another round of near-death experience. Who, had I been at my old weight and health level, might not have made it. I made it through that day as a symbol not of illness, but as a testament that anything that does not kill you makes you stronger.

Am I completely at peace with myself now? No, not really. There are many things which I would like to resolve.

I'd like to be healthy, once and for all.
I'd like to lose the 7 pounds left from the holidays, and maybe even a little more than that.
I'd like to have my surgery done and over with, and be able to walk without pain.
I'd like to be financially stable, and maybe even a little bit affluent.
I'd like my life to mean something, rather than just be a day-to-day existence.

Without these stresses, though, I may not feel compelled to evolve and grow. And that is paramount over all other things.

And when I look at what I do have, what I have achieved, physically, mentally, and emotionally, I realize that I am more at peace with myself than I thought. Maybe an "8." Things could be worse.

Ambivalence and Company

Ambivalence is probably the best word to describe me when it comes to social interaction. Perhaps conflicted or confused also works. I was never good at it... indeed, obesity is a symptom of the desire to isolate oneself. When I lost my weight (http://weightloss.laurarsilverman.com), it didn't change my fear of interaction. Indeed, if anything, it magnified it. At a normalized weight and with the "hair and make-up" affect I've taken on, other's expectations of me are high. They assume I know how to do the interaction thing. They assume that I want to be where I am at. They don't understand that obesity is not always an affliction. Sometimes it's a barometer to measure your place in the world. A point of reference, so to speak. Not completely a bad thing.

Last night, I attended Francesca's lovely Open House. I've attended in years past; it's always been a wonderful experience. She and her boyfriend Ben have the nicest and most interesting friends. Their home is artsy and warm; not overdone. The food... ah, the food! Francesca is from Italy and her choice in cuisines reflect a true national identity (not to be confused with American Fare which is just fatty and overly sweet and a mish-mash of tastes and textures). What reason would anybody not want to attend?

Yet I was awash in panic. It seems as of late, that I screw up the most simple opportunities to interact and fit in. Exercise for example? Despite the three-to-one opinion that I should return (Therapist and two friends say I should go back, sister who understands me and my history/family pressures most believes that it's a toxic situation), I'm terrified to go back, even after having taken off a week. I'm sure that I have done something terrible there which has made the significant one treat me just horribly over the past couple of months, culminating in a week of mixed messages (maybe intentional, maybe not, maybe just all in my mind) and has left me confused and upset and a little sick to my stomach. You see, unlike in the past when I know when I've gotten angry and brought this kind of reaction on, this time, I'm not even sure exactly what happened. And then there's also the changing social strata at my spinning guild that has me confused and a little bit ill at ease. But all of this is just table dressing...

Anyway, I was very frightened to go to the party. In fact, scared to the point that even as I was driving up to their house, I was considering just turning around and leaving. "Nobody wants me there." I thought. "Nobody would miss me." And maybe it was true, maybe it wasn't. But then I thought that Francesca is a big girl. If she really didn't want me, she would just not have sent an invitation. Maybe she was ambivalent about me, or maybe she really did want me, but I had driven all the way to Glendale (a long drive) and it would be good for me to actually get out of the car. So I did.

As soon as I rang her bell and could hear Francesca call out with pleasure that somebody else was at her door, I started to feel better. And when she opened the entrance and looked pleased, my heartbeat started to return to normal. She ushered me in, and there were two women - C- and A- - sitting in her living room. I love those two gals... but with my newest insecurity in place, was not sure how they felt about me anymore. But they jumped out of their seats and ran over to hug me, admire what I was wearing (some of my own jewelry and hand spun-dyed-knit vest) and were a-chatter with the what-for's and how-to's and everything else.

We all went into the kitchen where even more old friends were. Unlike the museum trip of a number of weeks ago, I did not feel out of place. We enjoyed some fondue (which I had never had before and needed instruction on... thanks Ben!) and other exotic fare. And went into the dining room to talk.

It started out with the old friends, but most of them had to leave shortly (I arrived somewhat late). But J- stayed and she is so interesting and kind and also - I think - kind of gets where I'm coming from because she has also lost significant weight. Francesca & Ben's Personal Trainer Je- arrived, a tall, thin, beautiful amazon woman who actually remembered me from last year. And M- and R-, a lovely couple with whom I made first aquaintence were there. We all sat around the dining room table, and talked.

Again, I don't understand what happened. I was at ease, and was a frequent contributor to the conversation; not talking too little, but even more importantly, I don't think I talked too much. Je-, and everyone, was very interested in the physio-psychological dimensions of weight loss. Almost everyone there has lost weight although I have lost the most by far and it's a different psychology when you get over 300 pounds. I was able to contribute.

Then the conversation turned to the business and art of crafting. M-, as it turns out, is a silk embroidery artist who, in the last year, has been taking her work on the road and selling in craft shows. Something I would like to try dabbling in next year. She had a world of information for me, loved my work (as everyone there did!), and we exchanged contact information.

Again, I don't understand it. There are so many situations that I am extremely awkward in. Say the wrong things, do the wrong things, feel incredibly out of place. Inferior. Defective. Then there was last night when I felt ok. Ok, good. At ease. Like I belonged.

How does this work? Is it me? Is it the other people? The time, place, and luck? Why do I work well in some situations and not others? Is there a way of predicting where it's healthy for me to be and what to avoid? And if so, what is it?

What I know on an intellectual level is that I need to keep exposing myself to different scenarios and pay close attention to what happens in each. Even as the thought leaves me a little bit breathless. Maybe my gal-pals are right... I should end the break from exercise class after a week, and even if I am not well received, go and try to figure out what the dynamics are. Whether I am really doing something wrong or if it's just not a good personality match anymore.

Thank you Francesca, Ben, and friends. For the good time, the memory, and the belief that maybe, just maybe, not everything is because of my innate inabilities.