Speed

There is still something in my brain which is inhibiting life. However, in the past week, I started an experiment with Concerta. That's an ADHD medication, a stimulant, and it appears that I may be on the right track. While I am not back to normal, before I started it, my brain was like a hamster trying to run on a wheel, but somebody stuck their hand into the cage and wouldn't let the wheel spin. Since starting the Concerta, the hand is still there slowing the wheel down, but if the hamster works really hard, he can make the wheel go round.

I have to admit a great deal of concern about starting this kind of medication. Amphetamines. They have a terrible rap. They are one of the highest abused drugs around. I'm already taking so many medications (under doctor's orders) that influence my mind that it was a tough one to take on another.

My experience has been different, though, than what I would have expected. I thought I would be full of energy - out-of-control type energy like on a bipolar high. It's nothing like that at all.

When I first take it in the morning, I feel a little bit buzzed and rushed. But within an hour, I seem to settle down to a slow and low end normal for me. I can get projects done. I made it to all of my appointments today on time... a first in many weeks. I seem to be able to move from task to task instead of getting bogged down in whatever I am working on, unable to make the switch even though I know that the switch is critical. I've even, for the most part, stopped crying.

I had heard that the drug would completely kill my appetite. That would have been one of the happy side effects for me if it happened. Unfortunately, it's not true. On the other hand, the crazy binge eating which I absolutely felt compelled to do (my doctors theorize that it was my body trying to get energized any way it could) has stopped. I get hungry, but am able to slow down and prepare normal meals, and even eat at a normal pace. The urge to consume sugar, sugar, more sugar, and more sugar has left me. I also appear to be back to eating normal quantities of bread. My food habits have returned to what they were before I first started crying that something was wrong with my brain, and nobody was listening.

I saw my Infectious Disease Specialist today. He took blood and is testing for all sorts of things that could be contributing to my altered state of mind. Last fall when he found the Brucellosis and the C-Diff, I got initial positive readings on a number of other issues too. Follow up tests came up negative, though, so we moved forward assuming that they weren't there. However, with my immune system being suppressed at the level that it is (can we all say extreme suppression), it's possible that those issues were there and just brewing, and have come to a level of operation now that is making me go crazy. The results of those tests will be back in a few days.

In the meantime, Dr. F- joined the chorus of all of my other doctors who are insisting that I need to see a Neurologist and NOW. I finally gave up when my Therapist joined the chorus last week. My appointment is this Friday. I expect that I will be scheduled for a Head MRI post haste. Dr. F- pointed out that with the immune suppressants that I'm taking, it's possible that a mass is forming in my brain. It's imperative that it either be determined or ruled out. Ok then.

Between several of the appointments that I had today, I stopped by Slimmons. Anne's class was just wrapping up, and it was so wonderful to see her. She brought me up to date on a number of happenings, especially the auditions for Richard's next Video that are scheduled to take place this Saturday. I do not feel like it's a good idea to try and go back to class yet. I have a gut feeling that if I try, something terrible will happen and the Paramedics will be called. And you all know how I feel about those fucking bastards. So I am not going to class tomorrow, and Saturday will be a very bad idea because normally Saturdays are a zoo there anyway, and with the audition, it's sure to be packed to a point that nobody will be able to move.

In addition, I'm afraid that Richard might try to talk to me about what's been going on during Project Me. While I don't mind discussing it, and I don't mind discussing it in a group setting if that's what he would prefer, I don't think that this Saturday will be an appropriate day for it. Everyone needs to be up and cheerful for the auditions. If I start talking about it (assuming I am able to talk and am not in one of my stuttering phases), it will bring the mood of the class down. I really would like to talk to Richard about the whole situation, but not there and then. Later.

But Anne made a suggestion to me that I would really like to take her up on. She invited me to come to the Audition, park myself in a corner, and just watch the proceedings. Honestly, I would love to do it. It would be an opportunity to dip my toes back into Slimmons without the risk of actual exercise and physical disaster. I told her as much too. I told her I really wanted to come, but I did not want to be a distraction. So I've asked her to run the idea by Richard and if he's ok with it, I'm going to do it.

Of course, this is another landmine for me. My brain has been so off that I was unable to organize myself enough to work on his birthday present. His birthday was last Sunday, for those of you who don't know. I got it started this week, but it's not done, and it's likely not going to be done on Saturday. That's going to be embarrassing. Hopefully, the quality will be good enough when I finish that itwill make up for the delay. But it's hard to know. My brain isn't quite right when working on projects either. We'll see.

So now i'm waiting to hear back from Anne that it's ok to go on Saturday. I would dearly love to watch. I guess we'll see.

In the meantime, I have a feeling that this post is not all that organized and that I should probably sign off and go to bed. See. It's progress. I'm recognizing when it's time to quit the computer and do something else.

good night all.