Sunday, January 4, 2009

The Wall

No, I'm not talking Pink Floyd. I'm talking about that wall that we all hit on occasion; when we simply cannot go on the same course.

I'm reminded of Randy Pausch, of The Last Lecture, and his viewpoint that walls are there to see how badly we want something. If we really want it, we will find a way around or through it.

Today, again, I hit the wall. I had already turned down an invitation to spin (wool, yes - a la Sleeping Beauty) with good and old friends... unfortunately the location was in Long Beach and I know that I am not well enough to go that far away from home, even when Carol was so kind as to offer to drive me. When I hit, I'm down for the count, and to then endure a 90 to 120 minute drive home? That just isn't in the cards.

So I stayed home, located my Birth Certificate (which I will need once the letter comes from Social Security to get my benefits), cleaning up old files along the way. I kinda-sorta fixed my garden hose, a post for tomorrow or the next day when the saga is complete. I went to the farmers market, then came home and roasted a chicken. And hit.

When I am done, I'm really done. I lay in my bed and even as Cosmos first softy muttered, then loudly whined, then started crying in earnest long and hard about how hungry he was for dinner, I couldn't move. I just lay there, hoping that he would stop which of course he didn't.

"The wall is there to see how badly you want something."

After he cried for some 15 mintues or so, I found enough energy to get up and feed both boys. They were very happy. Then I went back to bed again.

"The wall is there to see how badly you want something."

I put the roasted chicken and other food in the kitchen away in the refrigerator before it became toxic. Then I went back to bed again.

"The wall is there to see how badly you want something."

I spoke to a couple of friends on the phone, crashing before the conversation was over, and laying in bed recouping once again.

"The wall is there to see how badly you want something."

I am thinking about trying to take Anne's exercise class at Slimmons tomorrow morning.

I realize this may be a big mistake; I could easily fail and not be able to even get myself home. I might get home and not be able to get out of bed for another 24 hour stretch. I might be bad enough that I need a doctor or a hospital right away.

"The wall is there to see how badly you want something."

I want to rebuild my muscles. I want to rebuild my faith in myself. I want to rebuild my life. I want to be well, or as well as reasonably can be expected. I want to be well enough that if-and-when the next invitation comes to meet old friends and spin and eat and gossip the day away, I'm able to enthusiastically say "Yes!"

"The wall is there to see how badly you want something."

I want it. Badly.

7 comments:

Ang said...

That darn wall keeps getting in the way..Hope tomorrow brings less walls.

Claudia said...

Hey Babe,

I know you are having a really hard time right now and I also know that you want your life back now but if you think about how you doing now compared to a month ago it seems like things are getting better. Slowly but better. Hang in there (I know you hate this saying). Like Paul sang, "It's gettin better all the time"

LI Laura said...

Reminds me of the Bear Hunt song...

Can't go over it.
Can't go under it.
Can't go around it.
Gotta go through it.

Adele said...

Have you actually read "The Last Lecture"? The wall is not there to put you back into the hospital. Walls are there to let you know your limits. You can try to jump over walls, but the question is HOW WILL YOU LAND? A crash landing, or gracefully on your toes. Setting yourself up for failure health wise causes the wall to move in closer, until you are trapped in a small closet with a rotary telephone, a stool and no air. How's that for a visual blast from the past?? Please be careful. *A*

Amy said...

I have known you now for a year and a half, and during that time, I have seen you working out with vim, vigor and glee and occasionally, with obvious difficulty. Believe me when I say that one of your greatest traits (and you have many, my sweet), is your determination, which is always front and center, in the good times, and the not-so-good times. You inspire everyone, every time you walk into Slimmons, because they've seen your "Before" picture, and now they see a smokin' hot babe who is candid about her journey, does not mince words, and offers a great gift to everyone struggling: HOPE. I adore you and I want to see you jump this temporary hurdle with the same strength you have summoned in the past. I know you can do it, and I will do anything I can to help you.... Love, Amy from Slimmons :)

spinningmom said...

Love you just do what you can and be glad you can do that. The what if's is what gets us crazy. I'll be thinking of you! Love Trish

Joe Ganci said...

Some walls are made to circle
Other walls are made to scale
Some walls we have to dig under
And others help us to fail.

In failing, we learn something new
We figure out another path to take
At times it's best to rest, to sleep
And solve the problem when rested, when awake.

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