Welcome Back, Me!

Welcome Back Me!

Take 2

 

Second Attempt to make a new blog post - lol!

 

Well, it seems that there are a lot of new things about Blogger that I don't know about in the intervening years since I last posted.  I am going to try this post again and see how it goes.

 

 

Well, the years have been exciting.  The years have been trying.  I have been living the old Chinese Curse:

 

May you live in interesting times

 

Living in interesting times is not a completely bad thing.  There are always new things a-happenin'.  There are always new stories to tell.  Most important, living in interesting times tests my adaptability and my response to the world around me.  I live in interesting times.  I am adapting.  I am evolving as a person.  I am growing.

 

Things could be worse.

 

Those of you closest to me know that I lost my Mother last November.  It's official.  I'm an orphan. 

 

The loss of Mom turned out to be far more traumatic than I would have imagined.  But I will leave that post for another time.  Mom and I had a very difficult relationship.  I spoke to her doctor about a month after Mom passed.  We spoke at length about Mom's issues and what took her out.  We spoke about Mom in general.  We spoke about my guilt for allowing her to pass.  Her doctor's take on the whole thing?

 

Mom and I had a very difficult relationship.  Children of problematic parents often are racked with guilt after they pass.  I am not unusual.

 

Also,

 

Mom often complained about how I had abandoned her.  However, Dr. Davis knew that I hadn't.  In fact,  her take on it was that Mom had abandoned me.  She was exactly right.  Mom abandoned me when I was very young.  Mom continued to draw me in and then abandon me right to the end.  When it became clear that she was not going to survive the last round of hospitalization and she could still understand but not communicate anymore, I forgave her for everything she ever did to me.  I also told her that I hoped she could find it in her heart to forgive me for the things she felt I had done to her.  She gave me a look like she hated me, but I have no idea whether she meant it or it was just something that the continuing strokes caused.  My gut feeling was that she meant it, but it doesn't matter.  She was gone three days later, I had said what I needed to say, and although I would have liked to have come to some sort of conclusion to our relationship before she left, she was never capable of that and to expect things to be any different was to wish for pie-in-the-sky.

 

May you live in interesting times.

 

I am taking lots of beading classes.  My work has ascended far beyond the average beader and I am a designer now.  A designer who is starting to be noticed and responded to by the Bead Masters who I am starting to see more and more often. 

 

I have taken classes this year with:

 

Laura McCabe - Beguiling Blossoms

Nancy Cain Mezzaluna and Lantern Jewel

Anja Schlotman Fall at Blanches

Huib Peterson - Creature Feature

Kinga Nichols - Zeno, The Tiniest Fishy

Aimee Runs With Scissors

and more... I just can't remember at the moment.

 

I also participated monthly at Creative Castle in the Bead Embroidery Independent Study Workshop.

 

I still have the following scheduled:

 

Sherri Sanchez - Mosaic Rock

Diane Dennis - Under The Dome

Shelley Nybakke - Cover Me With Kisses and Bit O' Bling

Heather Kingsley Heath - Oculi

 

Have I mentioned that I am excelling in beading and striving to learn as much as I can as fast as I can?

 

I live in interesting times.

 



 

 

Gabby broke her back being bucked off of her horse, Aladdin.  Just as she was ready to start competing seriously for the first time in many years.  She had never had a fall like this before, and although she is going to be just fine, I fear that the fall has unnerved her.  I am praying that she gets back to her horse quickly and there are still a couple of horse shows this year at the new location her trainer, Sandie Springer, just moved to.  We are now at Hansen Dam Equestrian Center - for three days - and I hope that the drama stops for us now and Gabby can get a new start.  She deserves a break, and not in her back.

 

I live in interesting times.

 

Life is not bad.

 

More to come on another day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





Wheeze, Hack, Cough...

No longer fire related, my second air filter - which I installed in the bedroom - seems to have done the trick. My condo's air is quite breathable. Also, the two fires in who's smoke plume I resided seem to be contained or out, and the wind is dying down. All and all, the environment is improving. And one of the added benefits of the new bedroom filter is that it handles dog gas admirably. Wow.

But I am still hacking away here. It seems that I have picked up a bug. Of course I'm miserable with it, and will be leaving for the pharmacy shortly to pick up a Z-Pack. But there's such a difference between your garden variety cold-flu and autoimmune issues. Tylenol and rest helps the former, and I was even able to get some "work" done today.

This piece is beaded embroidery and will ultimately end up being a necklace. Click on the image to see the detail.

"Making" Money

Rarely, Eric & I bet over something or other. I do not believe in making large bets, and so the tradition was established that whoever lost the bet had to present the winner with a dollar bill that they had defaced.

I don't remember what the bets were about, but twice I won. The first bill that Eric gave me featured George sporting a moustache fairly reminiscent of the one that he was growing at the time. The second dollar was much more, shall we say - ahem - colorful as he had allowed Miles to mark it up. But as time went on, it became inevidable that I should lose a bet and I finally did.

As I said to Eric when I finally paid off, he can deface his bills his way and I get to deface mine in my own special style. Eric said that he was going to frame my bill as the first dollar that he never made. And I realized then and there that that WAS the first dollar I had actually made rather than earned.
Click on the picture for a close up of the bead embroidery.

West Side Story

Los Angeles is huge geographically. In fact, you can drive for two hours on the freeway from my home before you left Los Angeles and entered other cities south. (I live on the very northern end of the city.) My home is in the San Fernando Valley, also known to Angelenos as simply "The Valley."

From The Valley, we travel "Over the Hill" (aka through the Sepulveda Pass) to get to West Los Angeles, aka the "West Side." It's much more trendy, but expensive to live there. There was a time that I would have given my eye teeth to reside in that area, but that was in my youth. Now I realize that the traffic over there would make me completely nuts, and I'd just rather go over the hill when something is happening that's worth attending. And so it came to be that I traveled over on Saturday (yesterday).

Originally, I thought that I wanted to go to The Creative Castle where there was a class called Elements of Beading that I really wanted to take. But still being sick was a concern. The class was seven hours long and I was pretty sure that I would not hold up under those kind of hours.

Then I realized that on the same day, my Spinning Guild was meeting, there was a very special presentation being given by Stephanie Gaustad that would well be worth attending. I didn't know if my friends from the guild would be there or not... I've been out of touch for quite some time now but it would be really nice if they were. And so I decided that this was the venue for me.

The meeting starts at 9:30 am; I didn't even leave home until around then. Mornings are bad for me (as are nights) and I generally get a slow start. But 40 minutes later, I was entering the doors of St. Andrews Lutheren Church - our lovely meeting location - and immediately saw Janet and Dave and Carol and Ann by the door. (Elena is also in this picture although at the time of my arrival, she was busy at the front of the room running the meeting.)
I would have liked to set up shop right next to them, but it didn't seem like there was enough room, so I started around the very large crowd looking for space. Nancy was lovely and came running over to help, and soon I was situated. The guild has gotten so big that I don't know everyone anymore (I was a member when we only had maybe 12 members and we were a pack), but there is strength in numbers and I love seeing the demographic differences between attendees. And so I spun. Badly, but I spun.

I did not do very well. Unfortunately, my stamina is still lacking and by 11:15 or so, I would have liked to have left, but it was the middle of the lecture and there was no way that I could make a graceful exit with a spinning wheel, a chair, and two baskets, so I suffered through. Didn't absorb much information and that's too bad because I could tell that the subject was interesting, but that's life. If I can get back into the swing of things, I'm sure that my friends will share.

I stuck around for maybe 1/2 hour after the meeting and then with the help of Ann and Chris, I went back to my car and drove home. Carried my basket in but left my wheel in the trunk. It's still there. Took my temperature. As usual, as soon as I try to do anything, it had risen and it measured at 100.3.

I spent the afternoon and night in bed, feeling just awful. But I also felt just a little bit good. I love my friends. I miss them. I wish I was still part of the pack. It was really nice to connect again.

It was also nice to know that my decision to forego the beading class was the right one.

In addition, given how I held up in a situation where all I had to do was sit, it's a gauge as to my readiness for exercise class. I am not ready. That's useful information.

So as usual, life is full of negatives and positives. And I'm positive that I made the best possible choice in activities for me.

Three's the Charm

Button box finally located yesterday, I easily found closure buttons for all three bracelets that I've been beading. Attached the buttons, beaded loops to go over them, and voila! The bracelets formerly in progress were done!

I was very pleased. After all, these are the first products from my hands since I got sick. Of course, there's the glass half full, glass half empty syndrome which immediately manifested itself in my mind. Glass half full... if I take my time, I can still produce jewelry which is clearly desirable. Glass half empty, only three bracelets are the sum total of my output since last February. FEBRUARY! Not a lot to show for all those months.

But I think I will not think of the glass as either half full or empty. It is simply at the halfway point. It is what it is; I've made three bracelets which, if I had any idea how much time they would take to make in "real time" I would attach a price on them and offer them for sale.

I guess I'm going to have to make another straight through and see what the time commitment really is.

Not Forgotten

Last night was an intensely bad one for me, but this morning, after recovering from the drugs that I took to counteract my symptoms, I feel remarkably better. Well enough that I finished up the bracelet that I pictured in yesterday's blog (except for the closure... I really need to hunt down my box of buttons which is who-knows-where?) and am going back to embellish the green/red one more. I thought at the time that it needed more but didn't trust my instincts. Now I know that I was right and will "fix" it. As Myra Wood said in the class that I took from her last year, "More is more." So true when it comes to beading. You know when it's time to stop, and there's no reason to limit oneself based on preconceived notions of propriety.



When I feel better, I am intensely lonely. As always, those who are worth talking to are at work during the day, and I don't want to invite the "crazies" into my personal life. I can call or e-mail messages to my friends and they respond, but in the evenings when I tend to feel awful and don't want to talk is when they call. And my response makes them feel bad. So the number of personal contacts that I am having are becoming more and more limited.

But then there are the surprises. This morning I stumbled out of bed, still hung over by the Neurontin that I chose to take last evening, and let the dogs out of the front door. There on my doorstoop was a small square brown-paper-wrapped package. "Huh?" I thought? I've already received everything that I've mail ordered. What's this?

And there I had it. A book and card from Vennie - "The Best Friend in the World" it's called - but more important than the gift, the sentiment. I burst into tears. A physical manifestation that somebody cares about my trevails right there on my front porch, and then on my kitchen table.



I've scanned the book and think I'll read it all at once, then keep it by my bed and read one section at a time every night before I go to sleep. To remind me that even when I am physically alone, I am not alone in spirit.

---

One of the most difficult things about the kind of illness I am dealing with is knowing when to let my body rest and when to start to push back. I'm at that place right now. I know that I tend to get ill - including fevers - every time I exert myself, but my "good times" when my mind is active and my body a little more willing to work can be measured by the hour now instead of the minute. Don't get me wrong; I'm not ready to run a marathon or even contemplate a shopping trip, but knowing that I need to change my bed and put away the laundry I did the day before yesterday is not enough to bring me to tears. I'm even thinking about putting on make-up before my therapy appointment today.

This go-around with illness has been remarkably different than those of the past. Then they were mostly about Crohns Disease proper and weight-loss went along with the package. Now I'm dealing with other auto immune issues like Eyrthema Nodosum and terrible chronic fatigue as well as flaring Fibromyalgia along with the Crohns, and also the side effects of the Cimzia. I'm able to eat. I'm unable to move about much. And I'm bored. End result? Eating too much and weight gain. (I also, in all fairness, don't know what effects the various drugs I'm taking have on weight, but I don't want to use that as an excuse. I know my transgressions of the past week.)

Which brings me to exercise class. What to do?

Since attending the wedding with Eric last weekend, I know that I might be able to get a good hour or two out of the home before becoming physically and mentally incapacitated enough not to feel safe driving. I know that I am bored and lonely and would love to be amongst people, many of whom already know about my health challenges so I don't have to explain and I don't need to be secretive. And I know that I desperately need help with my eating.

But is Slimmons a good idea anymore? I'm not sure. I lost my standing there when I went "Scholarship" and don't feel comfortable defending myself against inquiries that are out of line. Like Richard's line of questioning about my sex life the last time I was there and was clearly too ill to either have a sex life or mentally acute enough to respond with a quick "Quid Pro Quo," thus silencing him. I also know that even before the current circumstance, my only standing there was as a hood ornament. I lost the weight, I was the big number, therefore I was welcome. Well I'm up 10 pounds now and don't know what I'm going to do. I really don't know if I have the fortitude or the physical stamina to get it off again, and that brings my position at Slimmons even lower.

With others at Slimmons, they have been put to use in other areas (like the Retreat or the Cruise or the radio show or the P.E. in School campaign) so when they started struggling, they still had some value to the operation. Me? The only times I've been asked to do anything was when X- had me doing the "Database to Nowhere" on a volunteer basis and I was expected to watch and keep silent about things going on that I considered unethical (and I did maintain the secrets which bothers me to this day) until I quit, or when Richard needed somebody in front of the camera that he could crow about. Again, it's all about the number.

So I don't know. I feel like some movement and some social interaction might be good for me right now, as limited as it might be, but I don't know how to get it started. I do know that if something untoward is said to me again at Slimmons (and Richard knew he was being inappropriate even as he was questioning me), I will have to leave and never go back again. Would that be a bad thing? Would that be a good thing? Would it not really matter in the scheme of life at all? And if I left, is there a place for me in another setting?

LATER:

A therapy appointment behind me and the answer is clear. I am not ready to go back to exercise class at this point.

Dr. M- pointed out the following obvious facts which I know but got lost in my health drama:

1. Richard tends to get inappropriate in his line of questioning when he is feeling uncomfortable in social situations. With the way I'm feeling and must have looked that day when I made my way into class, it must have really thrown him for a loop. Ergo while there is no "fault" in this situation, there is a cause and effect, and I was the cause.

2. I have a long history of just picking up and going, before having permission from health care providers, when I want to go back to Slimmons. The fact that I am even questioning whether it would be appropriate for me to return yet (every time I get physically active, it results in a fairly high fever) is a strong indication that I should not be going.

Well, the pressure in that department is off, but I'm still scared to death about my weight gain. I know from experience that my mental health is directly tied to my body size and I don't want to return to the place from where I came.

My Days are Blanks

As days are running one into another, at least one member of the household is improving. Sunny's back is sufficiently recovered - thanks to a dose of Rimadyl - for him to sleep on his sofa part time.
Cosmos spends his days mixed between disapproving of things such as the bathtub draining water (that noise is just unacceptable) and sleeping.
Meanwhile, I remain weak and debilitated, but no longer encumbered by a high fever, also bored. I am able to sit up in bed for periods of time now, and when I do, the feeling that I need to be working on something... producing something... is overwhelming.
Knitting is out. Not only do I not have appropriate yarn to work with, but I have gained a bit of weight with this convalescence and I need to figure out whether I am going to lose it again once sufficiently recovered before putting the time and effort into making myself anything. Additionally, I'm not sure I have the mental capacity to follow a pattern right now, and while underneath the surface the creativity is still there, I can't bring it out yet.
So I am making blanks out of #11 Czech seed beads to be embellished later into bracelets. I can write. I can do rote-and-file beading. And I seem to be able to turn out the bases from which bangles will later be finished.
In the meantime, the whole process seems to bore Cosmos.

The Sky is Falling!

The sky was foreboding. Rain was in the immediate forecast. I walked the dogs and fortunately made it home before it began.

I don't know if you can tell from this picture, but in my condominium complex, even the trees seem to sense when the weather is about to change. They huddle in on themselves.

I sat down to make Eric's bolero tie for tomorrow's Bar Mitzvah. And when I looked out my window, realized by the fact that my rosebush was standing on it's side that the rain had begun.
Cosmos, ever suspicious of the sky's activities, had to be let out to inspect the situation.
"Where is the sky who dares drop water on my back?" he thinks. "This is unacceptable."
And once he had formulated the thought, realized that if he came inside, he could proceed immediately to the dog-drying station.
Where he would receive a nice terrycloth massage.
Sunny, jealous of the attention that Cosmos was getting, thought about going outside to get wet too, but then thought better of it. I gave him a brief massage so that he wouldn't feel left out. Since his hair is so much thicker than Cozie's, he emits quite an odor when wet and I don't want him in the elements unless he really needs to be.
Cosmos, always a fan of the TV newscast and especially the weather report, proceeded directly to the studio where - to his pleasure and delight - they were broadcasting almost continual weather reports. Except, of course, for the Brittany news, but even from that remote location, it was raining so he was happy.
"Hmmmm," he thought. "It looks like the sky has just begun it's unacceptable activities. They are saying that there is more water coming in from up north."
"Who cares about Bakersfiend and Fresno? The sky is misbehaving right here outside of my front door!"
"The sky is going to blow air at me too? This is truly unacceptable."
"And by the way, where is Fritz when I need him? Who is this substitute weather person? Fritz would have tamed that naughty sky."
"Mom may need a spiritual advisor to tell her of her future, but all I have to do is consult my 'magic window' to know what the sky is going to do. Now I need to go and tell it off."
And while Cosmos was outside once again, barking at the sky that was certainly throwing water at him, I stood back and admired the bolero tie that Eric will be wearing at tomorrow's event.
Hmmmmm. I do good work if I have to say so myself.

Evolution

"WHOA!" I hear you say. "What in the heck has just happened to your web site? I was just here "x" days ago and it was nothing like this!"

Yeah, very true. The look and feel of www.LauraRSilverman has changed. A great deal. "And why?" you ask. "I was just fine with it the way it was.

Well, it's kind of a long story, but here goes.

2007 has been a year of great changes for me Both for good and also some disturbing. It's been a year of incredible growth and learning opportunities. And new challenges as far as my health goes.

I originally concieved of this web site mainly in response to a traumatic event at Slimmons when I passed out during class and was kidnapped by Paramedics. Although I had kept updated medical files there, the staff - in their panic - gave the medical help old and way outdated information sheets, not realizing that not all the copies were the same. I spent almost the entire visit at the Emergency Room trying to convince the nurses and doctors that they were working with such old information that it was worse than useless... it was dangerous. For they were assuming that I was taking "X" medicines when I was now taking "Y." And the kinds of meds that I often take are often dangerous and have severe interactions with other ones. I realized after that visit that I needed a vehicle by which all I had to do was provide anyone who might witness a situation where I can't speak for myself (more frequent than I like to admit) current medical information without having to ever second guess what they had on hand. And so I got my web site. Those that potentially need my medical information know how to get to it. And no longer does anyone have to deal with multiples of paper.

In the meantime, I'm also somewhat of a writer. I've even been published a few times and may someday take the pen back up again although I'm afraid to send off query letters for fear of acceptance and -because of health issues- not being able to deliver on a deadline. I don't need a reputation of not being as good as my word. But I still have a need to express myself via the written word. Blogging was a natural course for me to follow. And so my web site became mainly an outlet for my thoughts.

Last March, I attended a fiber conference that may have changed the course of my life. I discovered a latent talent for beading and making jewelry. And much to my surprise, I also found out that people would pay for my work! And so I developed a small business in it. And decided that my web site was a good location to post my work too.

And of course, my weight loss pictures and story. I suppose, based on the amount of e-mail I get from others, I am providing some degree of comfort and hope to others who are traveling down the same road that I did. And so my web site also became a vehicle for posting pictures and motivation.

So many purposes for one little site! But a couple of things became abundantly clear as I learned about writing html code and maintaining the site. First, my audience who check my blog has grown at a rather startling rate, but it's still limited because I was not in a traditional blogging site. By that lack of connection, I have been unable to join "feeds" and increase my audience because of exposure. I long to have an impact on a bigger scale. And so I joined blogspot. I'm learning the ropes now, and hope to expose myself on a bigger scale shortly. Another writer I know has said "If you write it, they will come." We'll see about that.

I also realized that my web site had a look of 'fun and games' and was not an appropriate location to send potential clients to preview my work. Jewelry is fashion; jewelry is art. And what I had was a very servicable site, but nothing to impress. It was time to go "pretty."

If you've come here through my site, you probably noticed that it's no where near completion. Some of the pictures duplicate, many of the links are not operational yet. All that will be corrected in due time. My first priority is to re-establish access to everything that was there before. My favorite links, Fab Four pictures, weight loss story. Then I will get other items of business established. My Etsy Store where you can actually buy my work. Clips and credits from the media. And updated show of my jewelry and other items that I have learned to make.

And there are some lovely advantages to how I envision things going. First on my blog... you will be able to comment back to me on my blog. I have lived for your e-mails, but they have mostly been one-on-one responses. Now you can publish on the internet too! You will be able to see what I am working on via my artisan links and connect directly into vehicles to buy it if you like it and think that the price is right.

Because the web page is more efficient, I hope to be able to update the links on a more regular basis and keep you more in sync with what's happening. And along with the updates, I will decrease the size of the memory required to run the site and you'll be able to pull up the information more quickly and more efficiently.

I realize that I am rambling on here and I have an appointment to keep in about an hour. So I'm going to wish you adieu for the moment. I do hope that you enjoy what I am developing and will continue visiting as often as you have.

Thank you so much for your show of support!

Laura