All through this week, I had one out-of-the-home goal in mind. I wanted to go to Slimmons today.
It was a craps shoot at best. I am far from being well, running significant temperatures nightly and often during the day, and very weak. Last week I attempted GLASG, my spinning guild with mixed results. But truth be told, it was so nice to get out of my home (read out of my bed), that for all the negative physical responses, it was worth it. And so with trepidation, I planned in my mind to make an escape this morning.
To go to exercise class when I'm in this condition, on the face of it, is nuts. But Slimmons is an unusual place, and everyone there is quite familiar with my physical challenges. I'd been quite startled by an e-mail correspondance that I had with one of my classmates (read friend) earlier this week, and wanted to go even more because of it. But I was dubious. And so I didn't tell anyone other than Eric of my plans; didn't even e-mail Richard. I didn't want people expecting me and then me not showing up. There is very little that is ruder than being stood up. This is something that I have had a little experience with.
Last night was a good night. Unusual for me, I didn't have a fever, I didn't have night sweats, and I actually fell asleep within a reasonable time frame of taking my nighttime pills. I woke up at 7:30 which gave me a little over two hours to prepare. After laying in bed for about 45 minutes procrastinating, watching the news on TV, and finally being driven out by children's programming, I showered and put my make-up on. Made Oatmeal with 1 Cup Blueberries & 1 TB Raw Sugar for breakfast. Fed the dogs (before eating my own meal). Made my bed. At a quarter to ten, I left for the 45 minute Saturday-morning drive.
I was already fatigued upon leaving. Wondered at the wisedom of this move. Kept driving. But halfway through Coldwater Canyon - yes gals, "The Canyon' - somethng odd happened. I was listening to I-can't-remember-which radio station, contemplating turning around and coming back home, then a string of familiar songs were played all in a row. Not just familiar. Right out of
"Party Off the Pounds". The video that Richard asked me to participate in that was a watershed moment for me and changed my life. As Wendy always says, "It's a sign." I was meant to continue and attend. So I continued on.
Upon arrival, I happily greeted many that I knew, and was also astounded at how many new people had come through the doors. That's both a strength and weakness of Slimmons... the ever-changing cast of students. But I suppose the shuffling of faces is probably the same at all exercise forums and, in fact, I suspect worse in many. It's comforting to me to know that so many have stuck around over the years.
And so I attended "Project Me" and, not completely wasted, "Sweat" class. Don't get the 2nd part wrong. I am not capable of putting out enough energy right now to actually sweat. I spent a little of it shuffling around in slow speed, and more of it planted in a chair doing nothing. But even with the output of energy, I left with more than I came with, was able to do a little West Side shopping, and was home by 2;30.
I won't lie to you. I now feel like I've been run over by a truck. But it was all worth it. No kidding.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Dinner for 500
Even with the trauma of Cimzia in my recent history, it's still a pleasure to be strong enough to cook for myself. I was getting very tired of the fatty resources of Stouffers and Michelangelo frozen meals, as good as they were. They're fine in a pinch or on an occasion, but not what I would prefer to eat full time. And that's what I was forced to do when I was not in recovery phase.
Dinner tonight was Yaki Soba Noodles with chicken and vegetables. Yaki Soba Noodles are an Asian noodle found in the refrigerated Asian section of my local supermarket Ralph's. I've not seen it carried at other markets although I'm sure that there are iterations there.
It comes pre-portioned in three packets of noodles and three flavor packets. The idea is that you sautee vegetables, then make the noodles according to the directions, mix them together with the flavoring, and voila! You have dinner. It's as good as it sounds.
I started earlier this afternoon by slicing down a 1/2 frozen chicken breast (it's easier to cut that way than when it's defrosted), then chopping vegetables. Onion, bok choy, water chestnut, carrot, bell pepper, and a Japanese Eggplant. This particular meal is nice because you can put the component parts together earlier in the day and then cook at your discretion.
First I sauteed one chicken breast (cut up) in Pam. It was a large one, so I figure it - at 50 calories per ounce which is a generous allocation - for 400 calories. Then I sauteed the vegetables using Pam, probably a total of 8 cups raw. At 50 calories per cup, the total calories would be about 400 there.
The package says that the noodles, cooked, are 260 calories.
That would be consistant with my knowledge of calories which says that 1 cup of pasta is 200 calories, and then adding in the oil and flavoring., so I believe them. That means that the entire wok of food was worth 1000 calories.
I didn't have much of a lunch today, so I ate just a little less than 1/2 of the wok, meaning that I had between 4 and 5 cups of food with the groups of vegetables, protein, carbohydrates, and fat represented at about 500 calories. And I have not been hungry for the remainder of the evening.
This state of fullness should only last overnight.
Dinner tonight was Yaki Soba Noodles with chicken and vegetables. Yaki Soba Noodles are an Asian noodle found in the refrigerated Asian section of my local supermarket Ralph's. I've not seen it carried at other markets although I'm sure that there are iterations there.
It comes pre-portioned in three packets of noodles and three flavor packets. The idea is that you sautee vegetables, then make the noodles according to the directions, mix them together with the flavoring, and voila! You have dinner. It's as good as it sounds.
I started earlier this afternoon by slicing down a 1/2 frozen chicken breast (it's easier to cut that way than when it's defrosted), then chopping vegetables. Onion, bok choy, water chestnut, carrot, bell pepper, and a Japanese Eggplant. This particular meal is nice because you can put the component parts together earlier in the day and then cook at your discretion.
First I sauteed one chicken breast (cut up) in Pam. It was a large one, so I figure it - at 50 calories per ounce which is a generous allocation - for 400 calories. Then I sauteed the vegetables using Pam, probably a total of 8 cups raw. At 50 calories per cup, the total calories would be about 400 there.
The package says that the noodles, cooked, are 260 calories.
That would be consistant with my knowledge of calories which says that 1 cup of pasta is 200 calories, and then adding in the oil and flavoring., so I believe them. That means that the entire wok of food was worth 1000 calories.
I didn't have much of a lunch today, so I ate just a little less than 1/2 of the wok, meaning that I had between 4 and 5 cups of food with the groups of vegetables, protein, carbohydrates, and fat represented at about 500 calories. And I have not been hungry for the remainder of the evening.
This state of fullness should only last overnight.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Opportunity Missed
Today was "Cimzia" day. Injection day. It hurts.
It consists of two injections made of formulary that needs to be mixed on site right before it's given. What makes it such a painful shot is that rather than being mixed in a water base solution, it's oil. It's thick and viscous and sits like a lump in my stomach and thigh. Yes, it is given over two shots in two different locations because of the nature of the medicine.
It consists of two injections made of formulary that needs to be mixed on site right before it's given. What makes it such a painful shot is that rather than being mixed in a water base solution, it's oil. It's thick and viscous and sits like a lump in my stomach and thigh. Yes, it is given over two shots in two different locations because of the nature of the medicine.
The actual injection doesn't hurt... the pain starts about 1/2 hour later. Additionally it makes me feel ill and angry and very emotional. I certainly don't feel like doing much of anything or interacting with anyone, let alone leaving my home once it's done. Which brings me to the point of this post.
I'm angry. I was talking to a very close friend last night who's husband is on disability - short term - and refuses to get off of his behind and do anything for himself or the household. By all accounts, he is well enough to get up and get around and his doctor says that he should get out of the house. Despite all medical evidence saying that exercise promotes healing, he states that he's not moving because he will heal better sitting on his ass.
Meanwhile, I am on the opposite side of the country, having been on disability for years, and desperate to be productive and have my life mean something. I am slowly recovering from being so ill that all I could do is lay in my bed all day long, and maybe sit up long enough to take my pills. I couldn't cook for myself; I couldn't clean or walk the dogs. I couldn't go to exercise class and I certainly was not well enough to be productive in any way.
But as I slowly improved, I was able to sit up, first for just minutes at a time. I knew that my brain was not working correctly, so although I wanted to get back to making jewelry or spinning, knitting, or weaving, I would not be able to put out the creative spirit strong enough to make anything that I would be proud of. And so I learned to make basic "herringbone" stitch in beading (a brainless endeavour) from a book and spent hours making some straight bangle bracelets which I intended to embellish later.
A couple of weeks later and three of the blanks made, I found the creativity burried deep inside of me and was able to complete those projects. And I pulled out a beading book sitting on my shelf and learned a few other techniques out of it. Netting, spiral stitch...
The amount of time that I could sit up and be productive increased. I was able to sit up for an hour or more, and my output grew.
I am pushing hard to make as much jewelry as I can before the holiday season in hopes that I will be well enough to get out and show it to people and maybe sell a piece or three. There is the possibility, of course, that I will not make it in which I will hold onto the pieces and offer them just before Mother's Day.
Meanwhile for now , I am again knocked on my ass by an injection that I think (hope) may be helping my condition overall but certainly in the short term makes me too sick to do much of anything.
I think of this man on the opposite side of the country, and all the people who I have met over the years who actually can affect changes in their lives - who are not hampered by physical issues so great that truly keep them from doing anything - and how they squander the gift that they have been given.
I have friends who I mostly met through Richard's web site that deal with medical issues as serious as my own - their own illnesses and/or their families, physical or emotional; they do make the best they can out of their situations, and they are productive and inspirational. Watching them, I know that I am not alone in my attitude of doing the best that I can.
But then I look at those others... the ones who just sit on their asses and expect the world to cater to them. And I get so angry. At them. For them. For me. At me. For opportunities that others have and do not appreciate and the fact that I do not have the opportunity to do the same. For I certainly would not squander it if it existed.
Monday, September 29, 2008
"Making" Money
Rarely, Eric & I bet over something or other. I do not believe in making large bets, and so the tradition was established that whoever lost the bet had to present the winner with a dollar bill that they had defaced.
I don't remember what the bets were about, but twice I won. The first bill that Eric gave me featured George sporting a moustache fairly reminiscent of the one that he was growing at the time. The second dollar was much more, shall we say - ahem - colorful as he had allowed Miles to mark it up. But as time went on, it became inevidable that I should lose a bet and I finally did.
As I said to Eric when I finally paid off, he can deface his bills his way and I get to deface mine in my own special style. Eric said that he was going to frame my bill as the first dollar that he never made. And I realized then and there that that WAS the first dollar I had actually made rather than earned.
Click on the picture for a close up of the bead embroidery.
I don't remember what the bets were about, but twice I won. The first bill that Eric gave me featured George sporting a moustache fairly reminiscent of the one that he was growing at the time. The second dollar was much more, shall we say - ahem - colorful as he had allowed Miles to mark it up. But as time went on, it became inevidable that I should lose a bet and I finally did.
As I said to Eric when I finally paid off, he can deface his bills his way and I get to deface mine in my own special style. Eric said that he was going to frame my bill as the first dollar that he never made. And I realized then and there that that WAS the first dollar I had actually made rather than earned.
Click on the picture for a close up of the bead embroidery.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
West Side Story
Los Angeles is huge geographically. In fact, you can drive for two hours on the freeway from my home before you left Los Angeles and entered other cities south. (I live on the very northern end of the city.) My home is in the San Fernando Valley, also known to Angelenos as simply "The Valley."
From The Valley, we travel "Over the Hill" (aka through the Sepulveda Pass) to get to West Los Angeles, aka the "West Side." It's much more trendy, but expensive to live there. There was a time that I would have given my eye teeth to reside in that area, but that was in my youth. Now I realize that the traffic over there would make me completely nuts, and I'd just rather go over the hill when something is happening that's worth attending. And so it came to be that I traveled over on Saturday (yesterday).
Originally, I thought that I wanted to go to The Creative Castle where there was a class called Elements of Beading that I really wanted to take. But still being sick was a concern. The class was seven hours long and I was pretty sure that I would not hold up under those kind of hours.
Then I realized that on the same day, my Spinning Guild was meeting, there was a very special presentation being given by Stephanie Gaustad that would well be worth attending. I didn't know if my friends from the guild would be there or not... I've been out of touch for quite some time now but it would be really nice if they were. And so I decided that this was the venue for me.
The meeting starts at 9:30 am; I didn't even leave home until around then. Mornings are bad for me (as are nights) and I generally get a slow start. But 40 minutes later, I was entering the doors of St. Andrews Lutheren Church - our lovely meeting location - and immediately saw Janet and Dave and Carol and Ann by the door. (Elena is also in this picture although at the time of my arrival, she was busy at the front of the room running the meeting.)
I would have liked to set up shop right next to them, but it didn't seem like there was enough room, so I started around the very large crowd looking for space. Nancy was lovely and came running over to help, and soon I was situated. The guild has gotten so big that I don't know everyone anymore (I was a member when we only had maybe 12 members and we were a pack), but there is strength in numbers and I love seeing the demographic differences between attendees. And so I spun. Badly, but I spun.
I did not do very well. Unfortunately, my stamina is still lacking and by 11:15 or so, I would have liked to have left, but it was the middle of the lecture and there was no way that I could make a graceful exit with a spinning wheel, a chair, and two baskets, so I suffered through. Didn't absorb much information and that's too bad because I could tell that the subject was interesting, but that's life. If I can get back into the swing of things, I'm sure that my friends will share.
I stuck around for maybe 1/2 hour after the meeting and then with the help of Ann and Chris, I went back to my car and drove home. Carried my basket in but left my wheel in the trunk. It's still there. Took my temperature. As usual, as soon as I try to do anything, it had risen and it measured at 100.3.
I spent the afternoon and night in bed, feeling just awful. But I also felt just a little bit good. I love my friends. I miss them. I wish I was still part of the pack. It was really nice to connect again.
It was also nice to know that my decision to forego the beading class was the right one.
In addition, given how I held up in a situation where all I had to do was sit, it's a gauge as to my readiness for exercise class. I am not ready. That's useful information.
So as usual, life is full of negatives and positives. And I'm positive that I made the best possible choice in activities for me.
From The Valley, we travel "Over the Hill" (aka through the Sepulveda Pass) to get to West Los Angeles, aka the "West Side." It's much more trendy, but expensive to live there. There was a time that I would have given my eye teeth to reside in that area, but that was in my youth. Now I realize that the traffic over there would make me completely nuts, and I'd just rather go over the hill when something is happening that's worth attending. And so it came to be that I traveled over on Saturday (yesterday).
Originally, I thought that I wanted to go to The Creative Castle where there was a class called Elements of Beading that I really wanted to take. But still being sick was a concern. The class was seven hours long and I was pretty sure that I would not hold up under those kind of hours.
Then I realized that on the same day, my Spinning Guild was meeting, there was a very special presentation being given by Stephanie Gaustad that would well be worth attending. I didn't know if my friends from the guild would be there or not... I've been out of touch for quite some time now but it would be really nice if they were. And so I decided that this was the venue for me.
The meeting starts at 9:30 am; I didn't even leave home until around then. Mornings are bad for me (as are nights) and I generally get a slow start. But 40 minutes later, I was entering the doors of St. Andrews Lutheren Church - our lovely meeting location - and immediately saw Janet and Dave and Carol and Ann by the door. (Elena is also in this picture although at the time of my arrival, she was busy at the front of the room running the meeting.)
I would have liked to set up shop right next to them, but it didn't seem like there was enough room, so I started around the very large crowd looking for space. Nancy was lovely and came running over to help, and soon I was situated. The guild has gotten so big that I don't know everyone anymore (I was a member when we only had maybe 12 members and we were a pack), but there is strength in numbers and I love seeing the demographic differences between attendees. And so I spun. Badly, but I spun.
I did not do very well. Unfortunately, my stamina is still lacking and by 11:15 or so, I would have liked to have left, but it was the middle of the lecture and there was no way that I could make a graceful exit with a spinning wheel, a chair, and two baskets, so I suffered through. Didn't absorb much information and that's too bad because I could tell that the subject was interesting, but that's life. If I can get back into the swing of things, I'm sure that my friends will share.
I stuck around for maybe 1/2 hour after the meeting and then with the help of Ann and Chris, I went back to my car and drove home. Carried my basket in but left my wheel in the trunk. It's still there. Took my temperature. As usual, as soon as I try to do anything, it had risen and it measured at 100.3.
I spent the afternoon and night in bed, feeling just awful. But I also felt just a little bit good. I love my friends. I miss them. I wish I was still part of the pack. It was really nice to connect again.
It was also nice to know that my decision to forego the beading class was the right one.
In addition, given how I held up in a situation where all I had to do was sit, it's a gauge as to my readiness for exercise class. I am not ready. That's useful information.
So as usual, life is full of negatives and positives. And I'm positive that I made the best possible choice in activities for me.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
To Go or to Not Go...
To go or not to go... that was the question. Starting yesterday, thoughts started passing through my mind that maybe I should try a come-back at Slimmons tonight. The urge was even stronger today, and this afternoon, I even pulled out my exercise clothing in preparation for the decision. I finished a beaded bracelet (I'll post the picture soon), I took the dogs for two short (and I mean really short) walks, and I thought about it.
I also thought about the other things I needed to get done. I need to get the kitchen picked up (I actually cooked a very simple meal for myself last night), I need to get laundry done, I desperately needed to pick up a prescription that has been waiting for me for two days now and I'm out of that particular med. And I became exhausted thinking about just that.
My "good" times are now measured in hours instead of minutes. By good, I don't mean good like a healthy person. But I mean good as in I am not running a fever, I'm strong enough to sit up and get up to move around the condo as necessary, and my mind is functioning rationally. There has been a lot of time over the past four or five months where my illness was causing a short circuit in my brain. You couldn't really tell so much from my e-mails or posts other than a greater irritability factor than normal, but talk to me in person and there was no question but that there was something seriously wrong.
So I thought about the exhaustion. And I thought about Slimmons. It's an hour or more drive from my home on work nights; two hours round trip with no guarantee once I get there. (40 minutes on Saturday morning when there is no traffic.) And I thought about my prescription. Then my rational-thinking brain took over. It was not a good idea to try it tonight. I know that the time that I return - assuming that the Cimzia for which I am receiving another set of injections next Wednesday - is not the root of my problem, I think I may only be a week or two away from giving it a try. But it's not time yet.
So I went to the pharmacy and filled my prescription. I did a little marketing while I was out. And by the time I got home, my temperature had shot up to 101.3. Last night's lack of fever was a fluke. I've had a serious temperature every single evening for several months now. And on-and-off during the day too.
I'm looking at my computer screen's clock right now. 6:50 pm. Class has been in session for 20 minutes. I'm at peace with my decision to stay home. The last thing I want to do is go and provoke another health incident, especially the night before Richard leaves for New Orleans.
So I think I'll go get a hot bath running and spend some time warming up. I'll look at my beads and a newer beading book when I get out, assuming that my fever hasn't significantly risen and also assuming I'm up to it, then figure out their instructions how to do spiral beading. And I'll relax. The good news is that I don't think that Slimmons is going away soon.
I also thought about the other things I needed to get done. I need to get the kitchen picked up (I actually cooked a very simple meal for myself last night), I need to get laundry done, I desperately needed to pick up a prescription that has been waiting for me for two days now and I'm out of that particular med. And I became exhausted thinking about just that.
My "good" times are now measured in hours instead of minutes. By good, I don't mean good like a healthy person. But I mean good as in I am not running a fever, I'm strong enough to sit up and get up to move around the condo as necessary, and my mind is functioning rationally. There has been a lot of time over the past four or five months where my illness was causing a short circuit in my brain. You couldn't really tell so much from my e-mails or posts other than a greater irritability factor than normal, but talk to me in person and there was no question but that there was something seriously wrong.
So I thought about the exhaustion. And I thought about Slimmons. It's an hour or more drive from my home on work nights; two hours round trip with no guarantee once I get there. (40 minutes on Saturday morning when there is no traffic.) And I thought about my prescription. Then my rational-thinking brain took over. It was not a good idea to try it tonight. I know that the time that I return - assuming that the Cimzia for which I am receiving another set of injections next Wednesday - is not the root of my problem, I think I may only be a week or two away from giving it a try. But it's not time yet.
So I went to the pharmacy and filled my prescription. I did a little marketing while I was out. And by the time I got home, my temperature had shot up to 101.3. Last night's lack of fever was a fluke. I've had a serious temperature every single evening for several months now. And on-and-off during the day too.
I'm looking at my computer screen's clock right now. 6:50 pm. Class has been in session for 20 minutes. I'm at peace with my decision to stay home. The last thing I want to do is go and provoke another health incident, especially the night before Richard leaves for New Orleans.
So I think I'll go get a hot bath running and spend some time warming up. I'll look at my beads and a newer beading book when I get out, assuming that my fever hasn't significantly risen and also assuming I'm up to it, then figure out their instructions how to do spiral beading. And I'll relax. The good news is that I don't think that Slimmons is going away soon.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Twelve-Hundred Steps
Yesterday was an exceptionally trying and emotional day. I was so sick by early evening that I took my evening pills early and then patiently waited for them to take effect. Fourteen hours later, I was still in bed without the strength or will to get up or do anything.
This afternoon, though, I looked at my dogs and how sad they are. They have not been outside of the condo for months. I thought perhaps, since it was mid afternoon and it wasn't likely that there would be many other dogs out, I'd try to take them outside.
It was hard. My heart raced, my head ached. My joints are quite painful and my left foot is swelling again. But I did it. I took them for the very-short walk through the alleys that I used to take them on just for 'business.' I know from measuring the distance on my pedometer during former walks that it is 1243 steps.
It's hard to believe that a couple of years ago, I was able to walk them for miles daily, and then attend either an exercise class or General Fitness session at Physical Therapy. These days, I can hardly stand long enough to take care of the basic necessities.
But the boys are so happy...
This afternoon, though, I looked at my dogs and how sad they are. They have not been outside of the condo for months. I thought perhaps, since it was mid afternoon and it wasn't likely that there would be many other dogs out, I'd try to take them outside.
It was hard. My heart raced, my head ached. My joints are quite painful and my left foot is swelling again. But I did it. I took them for the very-short walk through the alleys that I used to take them on just for 'business.' I know from measuring the distance on my pedometer during former walks that it is 1243 steps.
It's hard to believe that a couple of years ago, I was able to walk them for miles daily, and then attend either an exercise class or General Fitness session at Physical Therapy. These days, I can hardly stand long enough to take care of the basic necessities.
But the boys are so happy...
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